


The Happily Ever After- Steve Rogers

by LiamDunbar



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 13:18:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 46,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15842100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiamDunbar/pseuds/LiamDunbar
Summary: Even real American heroes like Steve Rogers deserve a happy ending, right? Follow Steve and Y/N on their journey to their happily ever after. Will they be able to juggle kids, the avengers, injury and a good happy relationship?This story also follows Bucky and his girlfriend Sanne, who, with the help from their close friend Sam, are raising their three young boys, while dealing with all the crap that is happening around them.





	1. ONE

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a collab with my dear friend Angela.  
> English isn't either of our mother tongue, so please tell me when spelling errors have been made.  
> I hope you enjoy this story as much as we enjoy writing it!

The sound of laughter woke you up, for a second you didn’t know what day it was or where you were, but all made sense quickly. You were on the bed you have shared with Steve for years now, you were home, Steve was home.

You rolled to his side of the bed, holding the bed sheets close to you as you took in his warm and soft scent, a smile growing on your face as the thought of what had happened the night before crossed your mind.

Sadly you didn’t have too much time to think about that because the door opened and the laughter came through it. Your two daughters jumped on the bed without a second thought. Natasha, the younger one with only three years old, went straight to cuddle with you, which you accepted with open arms, squeezing her carefully and listening to her giggling close, that was the best sound you could think of.

Peggy, your older with five years old was happily jumping on your now empty side of the bed. She was almost out of breath with all the jumping, but she looked as happy as ever with flushed cheeks and a messy golden hair, she looked so much like Steve.

“Did we wake you up?” you felt arms around your waist, pulling you closer to his chest and his soft voice in a whisper close to your neck.

“Just a little bit” you chuckled, keeping your voice a whisper too “but I can’t think of a better way of waking up” he left soft kisses on your neck; you could feel the smile on his lips, which only made you smile wider.

“Mommy we made you breakfast!” Peggy said, still jumping “Daddy said it’s a surprise” Nat added, looking up at you, beaming.

“A surprise?” you made your best surprised face and voice “what could it be? Do you know what it is? Come on tell me, I won’t tell dad” you said the last part in a whisper.

“Mommy! Dad is here!” Natasha laughed, moving from your arms to jump on top of Steve.

“No way! We have an intruder!” you exclaimed turning around and joining Nat on the attack to Steve, a tickle attack though. Peggy couldn’t resist and join you too.

Steve laughed and tried to defend himself by tickling back, which was actually working, your daughters were very sensitive to tickles, even the smallest touch would make them fall on the floor laughing, something Steve insists they got from you.

When Steve have took care of the little girls who were crying of laugher on the bed he got up carrying you with him and putting you over his shoulder.

“Come on girls, let’s show mommy her surprise” the girls screamed in happiness and jumped out of the bed before running out of the room and towards the kitchen.

“You know I can walk right?” you laughed “although I love the view down here” you added smacking his butt, with both of your hands.

“Honey, my view here is even better” he said doing the same on your butt as he started walking to the kitchen with you laughing over his shoulder.

When he set you on the floor again you tried your best to put your morning hair on place, but he stopped you by grabbing your wrists gently. He had a sweet smile on his lips, the same he always has for you, but for some reason every time you see it, it is like the first time.

“You look beautiful” he said leaning in and kissing your head before he started to walk into the kitchen, still holding your wrists.

When you walked into the kitchen you saw the kitchen table full of food, there was eggs, toast, cereal, pancakes, all kinds of fruit and drinks, it looked beautiful and the best part was that he had even cleaned all the mess in the rest of the kitchen already.

You were expecting just a normal breakfast, not all of this “what are we celebrating?” you asked still amazed by all of that.

“Us? Our family? How much I love you?” Steve was more amazed looking at you “you get to pick the one you like the most, for me this is the celebration of not going to more missions and being here every day with the most important people in my life” he added.

Your eyes met his the second he said he wasn’t going into more missions, you would never ask him to stop going, you knew he loved doing it, but on the other hand you missed him terribly every time he had to leave for long periods of time “what? Y-you are what?” your voice came out weak, you couldn’t believe it.

“I’m not going on more missions” he repeated wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you closer “no more fighting or being away for weeks, I’m still part of the Avengers of course, which means I’ll still have fights with Tony” he chuckled.

Your instant reaction was to wrap your arms around his neck and hug him tightly, you were always worried sick every time he leaves, worried that something bad would happen and you wouldn’t see him again, that your daughters won’t see him again “I love you Steve” you whispered “I love you so much” you felt him hugging you tighter, you couldn’t be happier right now, thinking about waking up every morning next to him and watching him enjoy his time with the kids, it just filled your heart with happiness “I don’t know if Bucky and Sam will be happy to know we are your favorite people though” you joked pulling back.

“They’ll get over it” he smiled not waiting another second to kiss you, softly but with passion, you could feel like he was trying to say so many things with that kiss, which you returned with the same love.

“Eww, dad!” Peggy complained, making you two to pull back and laugh.

The girls were already sitting on her usual stops at the table, getting whatever they wanted for this special breakfast, so you joined them at the table, you were more curious to try Steve’s cooking abilities, he must have cheated, because he has always been a terrible cook.

You raised your eyebrows at him when you tasted one of the pancakes and it was actually delicious. You could see the little smile on his lips, he was hiding something.

“Did you help daddy to make these?” You asked Nat, knowing that she would be the one telling the whole truth, Peggy would cover Steve any time, she was the biggest daddy’s girl ever.

Nat nodded enthusiastically “yeah, me, Peg, daddy, uncle Clint and auntie Laura” there it was, the whole truth.

A smirk appeared on your face as you looked in Steve’s direction, who was pealing a banana for Peggy “I don’t know what she’s talking about” he shrugged with a playful smile.

“Is uncle Sam coming today too?” Nat asked, with hope in her voice “yeah and uncle Bucky and auntie Sanne” Peggy added.

“You can call them later and ask them if they want to come over for dinner” you smiled at them; you loved how close they were with the whole team, especially Bucky and Sam.

After breakfast you decided to go to Clint and Laura’s house, you could literally walk from your house to theirs. You see them almost every day, their kids and yours are basically the best of friends.

The house was already visible after five minutes walking along the path though the forest that separates your houses when the girls started running, followed by your two dogs. Steve and you remained behind; he had his arm around your shoulder as you enjoyed the peace and quiet of the place.

The door opened before Peggy and Nat even get there, all the Barton kids came outside, almost pushing each other trying to get out before the other.

Clint and Laura walked out behind them and waited at the door until you two got there, all of the kids were already running around the green “nice pancakes” it’s the first thing you said, joking.

Clint scratched the back of his head and chuckled, declaring himself guilty “I have to say, Steve did most of the job”

“Thanks man, at least someone knows how good I am at cooking” Steve laughed.

“You should watch the kids for a while, there is something I have to show (Y/N)” Laura said grabbing you by your arm and pulling you inside the house. They didn’t even have time to react, but they didn’t suspected anything either.

Laura took you to the living room and made you sit on the couch “have you told him yet?” she asked excited.

“I haven’t had the chance, he just got back last night and well… we were busy last night and this morning he surprised me with the mews of him kind of retiring from the missions” you explained “but I want to, I just don’t know how, do I just tell him? With Peggy we found out at the same time, with Nat he even knew before me so now I have the power” you said thinking of ways on how to tell him you were pregnant again “I have something, I need paper and colors” Laura didn’t even question it, she just went to get the things.

You had found out about the pregnancy the day before and she was the closet you had so she was the first to know about it and also the only one, you didn’t want to tell anyone else before Steve knew.

After hours and hours of playing with the kids and watching Steve and Clint get covered my mud while doing so you decided it was time to go back home and give the kids a bath, including the biggest kid of all aka your husband.

Clint and Laura agreed on joining for dinner and now you just had to call Sam and Bucky to know for sure how many of you would be there, so you did so while Steve gave the girls a bath and one to himself too. You had more than enough time to call your friends and to finish your surprise for Steve and when the three of them finally joined you in the living room you gave Peggy and Nat the card you had made back at the Barton’s household. You just told them to give it to Steve.

Steve accepted the card happily and read it out loud.

“Because you are the best dad in the world and we like when you have tea parties with us and we play in the mud…” then he opened the card and looked up at you, eyes wide opened as he looked at the card again to make sure his head wasn’t messing with him “Baby yes!” he exclaimed rushing over to you to kiss you before kneeling in front of you and lifting your shit enough to kiss your stomach “you better behave in there little one” he said to the belly while rubbing it, your last pregnancy hadn’t been the best one.

“What? Daddy what it is?” Peggy asked curious, standing next to you.

“Mommy has another baby in here” your heart melted when you saw the expression on his face while saying that, you never thought it was possible to love him more than you already did, but apparently it was.

“noooo, I don’t want baby” you both turned into Nat’s direction when she said that and she started winning.

“Oh sweetheart” you reached out for her and picked her up to sit her on your lap “why don’t you want a baby?” you asked her kissing her head.

“I am the baby” she cried.

Steve and you exchanged a look, one of concern for the jealousy of your daughter, but at the same time a small smile because it was kind of a funny reaction, you both knew she would be fine eventually.

“Come here” Steve picked her up and stood up “you want to know a secret?” Nat nodded while wiping her tears “you are always going to be my baby” he whispered on her ear “no matter how old you are, you’ll be my baby and I’ll tickle you until you’re crying out of laughter” he added as he started to tickle her and in just a second the crying turned into laughing.

“Mommy is it a boy or girl?” Peggy asked climbing the couch to sit on your lap and cuddle you; she wasn’t a big fan of cuddles so every time you had a chance you took it not even questioning it.

“We can’t know that yet” you said kissing her head “but you’ll be the first to know, okay?” a smile appeared on her face and she nodded happily “Oh do you know who is on their way here right now?” you said catching Steve and Nat’s attention too “uncle Sam, uncle Bucky and auntie Sanne” Bucky and Sanne had started dating a few years ago, Nat wasn’t even born yet, so she was also like part of the family, another auntie.

The girls started clapping and jumping around, Steve even had to put Nat down so she could celebrate with her sister “we are going to prepare a tea party for them!” Peggy exclaimed excited, grabbing Nat’s hand and bringing her to their room.

Steve then kneeled in front of you gain and gave your belly another kiss, you could feel his hairy beard tickling your stomach. He rested his head on your belly and sighed happily, you ran your fingers through his hair and you just stayed like that for a while, in silence, just enjoying each other.

“You are an amazing dad, did you know that?” you said after a while.

“And you are the best mom” he smiled looking up at you.

You were about to lean in to kiss him when Nat came in crying “Peggy pulled my hair” she whined, followed by quick footsteps and more crying “she pushed me first” Peggy cried.

“Okay girls, let’s talk this through, with imaginary tea like adults do” Steve chuckled picking both of them up and disappearing into their room.

You stayed there; rubbing your exposed stomach where seconds ago Steve was laying on, that feeling of happiness was all you wanted to feel for the rest of your life.


	2. TWO

**-2 years later-**

It had been around two years since the day Steve had decided to retire from the missions and it had been the best two years you could remember. He was home every day, the girls loved that he got to pick them up from school and so did Steve.

Having him home was a lot of help since you had three kids now. The youngest, James, was only over one year old, but he was so hyperactive you couldn’t imagine how would have been with Steve out on missions and you at home with the three of them.

You had your routines now, for example Saturdays were family days. You and Steve would prepare a lot of food and Clint and Laura would come over with the kids, as well as Sam, Bucky, Sanne and their now triplets. They were lucky Sam was living with them and they had an extra help, although Bucky would have never admitted that.

You still remembered the day Sanne and Bucky told you they were having triplets, it was one of the Saturday nights fun and they just announced it after dinner, Steve went straight to hug Bucky.

_“So I have two kids and you just had to have one more than me” Steve joked as they hugged._

The best part was when just weeks after you told your friends you were pregnant again and Bucky had his opportunity to give it back at Steve.

_“You couldn’t stay behind, could you?”_

You were making dinner for another Saturday night fun, today it was homemade pizza. Your kids were entertained playing in the living room, close to you in case they needed you or they started fighting. Steve and you were just messing around with the dough.

“Don’t eat the ingredients” you laughed throwing Steve some flour, which turned his hair almost completely white “look at you, now you are the real grandpa you’re supposed to be” he looked at you with a fake offended expression on his face and without a warning he picked you up, setting you on the counter, he placed himself between your legs.

“Repeat that now madam, my grandpa hearing didn’t get it too well” Steve said in a low tone, making his voice sound almost raspy.

 “I said I love you with gray hair” you said biting your lip, placing one hand on his shoulder “even in your beard” you added, cupping his face with your free hand and leaning in to kiss him, but he moved back before your lips met his. Instead you met his hand covered in flour “hey!” you complained and pushed him away, knowing too well that he would try to kiss you now “you missed your chance Rogers” you said getting off the counter to keep making the pizza.

“I hope I get a new one tonight” he said wrapping his arms around your waist from behind and kissing your cheek.

“I’ll think about it” if there was something you loved to do was to tease Steve and playing hard to get. After what he had done that was how it was going to go later that night.

Before he could say anything his phone started ringing, you looked over at him, who was looking at the phone with a little frown “do you remember how phones work?” you joked.

He chuckled and kissed your head “I’ll be back in a second” he said leaving the kitchen.

Now that was weird, he leaving the room to get a phone call? You weren’t the jealous type, but you and Steve told each other everything, even when you were just friends, so you weren’t very happy about what had just happened.

Nevertheless you kept making the pizza and hoping everything was just fine, hoping that he would tell you what the phone call was about when he was back.

You felt someone pulling from your shirt and you looked down to find Nat’s big round eyes looking up at you “mommy, James painted my face” you could already see the mess formed on her face “can you clean it, please?”

“Of course I can baby” you smiled at her, picking her up and setting her on the counter, every time your kids used the words “please” and “thank you” your heart melted for some reason. You got a wet cloth and wiped her face until everything was gone “now tell James to stop painting your face” you said helping her to get down again.

She ran out of the kitchen almost bumping into Steve, who was walking in again, he didn’t look as happy as he was a few minutes ago and that just made you worry even more.

“Is everything fine?” Steve eyes met yours and he just nodded. You could read him like an open book, everything was not fine.

“We can talk after dinner, okay?” he said giving you his best smile.

You could have demanded to talk about it know, it was what you really wanted to do because now you couldn’t stop thinking about what was it that had happened over that phone call.

Somehow you got over it while you finished making the pizza and your guests arrived. The first ones to get there were Bucky, Sanne and Sam, with the triplets of course, Brandon, Alex and Caleb, the fact that they were Jame’s age was just perfect, it was great to keep him entertain.

“Uncle Sam!” Nat exclaimed the second she saw him, sometimes you though she even loved him more than Steve and you. She ran towards him, who was ready with his arms open.

“Birdy!” he laughed hugging her tight. He had came with that nickname the first time Nat had told him he was her favorite Avenger, funny when her own dad was Captain America.

On the other side, Peggy had her favorite, Bucky; ever since she was a baby she was so linked to him. At first it was funny to see him trying to hold her and be gentle with her. He acted like he didn’t even care about it when in reality we all knew he was over the moon with the little girl and now he had his own triplets, which was funny to think about, but so adorable at the same time.

“I made you a drawing” Peggy said approaching Sanne and giving it to her “that is you and uncle Bucky and those are Brandon, Alex and Caleb jumping on uncle Sam” she laughed.

“That would be a perfect representation of what their father teaches them to do” Sanne chuckled, looking over at Bucky, who was smiling as he looked at the drawing “it’s so beautiful, sweetheart, we’ll hang it on the fridge” she smiled.

There was still time until dinner was ready so Sanne and Sam were in the play room with the kids, by their own choice. You were still thinking about the phone call while Bucky and Steve were talking about who knew what, you couldn’t concentrate on that right now.

“Honey” you looked at Steve when you heard him calling you, he looked concerned about how absent you were, but he went straight to the point “Bucky asked you something” you looked at Bucky and waited for him to ask the same question again.

“How did Steve ask you to marry him? I’m planning on asking Sanne to marry me” your eyes went wide, you weren’t expecting that, but at the same time you were so happy to hear it.

“Really? That is awesome Bucky” you smiled.

“Yeah, I think it is about time” he smiled nervously “I just get so nervous by thinking about it, I love her so much and I want it to be perfect and I want to get the kids involved on it too, I think she would love that” his face light up while talking about it, it was so cute to see “but then I start thinking what if it’s not what she wants? What if I ruin everything we have? I couldn’t deal with that, I couldn’t deal with losing her” he said lowering his voice.

“I don’t think you could ruin anything Bucky, she clearly loves you too, so much and I’m sure she wants to marry you as much as you want to marry her” these 40s guys, you thought, always so worried about their ladies.

“I was so nervous before asking (Y/N) too, you know it very well” Steve said “and the first thing she did when I asked her was burst into laughter” he added smiling at the memory.

“I was nervous, okay? I thought you were joking” you said putting your hands up in defense “but that is not the point, Bucky, go for it, she is going to say yes” you knew it so well, it wasn’t like if Sanne and you weren’t talking about them as much as they talked about you.

“Okay, okay, I’ll do it, I just have to prepare it, I might need your help” he said pointing at both of you.

“Count us in” you answered before Steve could.

Bucky smiled, happy with how excited we were for him and Sanne and we really were, they deserved it, he deserved that after all he had been through.

Clint, Laura and the kids joined you right after that, which meant three more kids and a lot of more noise in the house, something you loved.

“kids, come on, let’s set the table!” you exclaimed, at the end of the day being a mom meant that you could embarrass your kids in front of friends and use them to help with housework.

Soon enough you hear a bunch of steps running down the hall and seconds after a bunch of kids entering the kitchen to do as you had told them, at least the bigger kids were.

You saw the triplets all over Bucky in a second, one was hugging his leg, he was holding other and the third one was pulling from his metal arm, but Bucky seemed happy with it. Next to him was Steve holding James up and you couldn’t help but stare at the image, smiling like an idiot until Steve caught your eye and he smiled back for a second before turning his attention to your son, who was smacking his face, calling for his attention.

“Auntie (Y/N), can I sit next to Nat?” you looked down and found Nate pulling from your shirt as he asked you that. He and Nat were the same age and according to Nat he was his boyfriend too, they were way too adorable.

“Of course you can, honey” you smiled down at him, seeing the happiness in his eyes before he disappeared, running through the kids looking for Nat to tell her the good news.

Dinner was pretty much the usual, there was the group of kids who loved eating and that was the best as a parent because you didn’t have to worry about it, but then there was the kids who didn’t enjoy it so much and it took them so long to eat a simple slide of pizza. Lucky for all of you uncle Sam was there to help, he had his own show for the kids, roasting everyone at the table, specially Steve, Clint and Bucky, Sanne helped him with the Bucky part, they were like a team and Bucky seemed very used to it.

“The first one to finish dinner gets to bride Bucky’s hair, huh? Seems like a very fun task” he said, making Peggy clap her hands excited by the idea, she was eating dinner without even realize it “I bet you can get a pretty long bride from that, look at him, he has even longer hair than Sanne” he added making the kids laugh.

After dinner you played board games, you were way too many, so you had to make teams and of course you had to play games the kids could enjoy so you found yourself playing a round of ‘who is who’ with Sanne and Nat on your team, against Steve, Bucky and Peggy.

“I think they are cheating” Nat whispered for only you and Sanne.

“We are not cheating!” Peggy exclaimed, pouting. That was a clear sign that they were cheating, you didn’t know how, but they were.

You all played a lot of different games until the kids started to fall asleep one by one, which meant it was time for them to leave, the first ones were Bucky, Sanne and their kids, you couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot knowing Bucky’s intentions.

Then it was Clint and Laura’s turn, who insisted on taking Peggy and Nat since they were insisting on having a sleepover with their kids, so it was just down to you, Steve and James now.

James was clearly exhausted, Steve had been holding him for the past thirty minutes and the poor kid had his head lying on Steve’s shoulder, trying so hard to not fall asleep, but when he less expected it, it happened and Steve went to put him to bed.

The house was in complete silence compared with a few hours ago and it was also a good feeling, but you remembered this meant now it was time for Steve to tell you about the phone call and you didn’t know if you were more excited to finally know or scared thinking about what could it be.

You had already changed into your pajamas when Steve walked inside the room, he looked serious and also tired and somehow it was contagious, you were expecting the worse now.

“What’s wrong?” you asked standing up from the bed.

“Tony called” he looked at you with what you read as guilt in his eyes “he’s been calling me lately, there is this mission he wants me to join, he thinks if I join it they will be able to finish it earlier” he explained, you listened to it carefully trying to ignore the pain you were feeling in your heart.

“Of course they will finish earlier with you in it” you frowned “they would finish any mission early with you, does this mean you said yes?” you knew it the second you asked that question, you could tell it by the look in his eyes.

“Listen, it’s going to be just a onetime thing, it will be for only a month” he walked closer and you moved back immediately, he getting closer only meant you being more vulnerable.

“One month?” you couldn’t believe he was serious about it, like he didn’t know how long that was now, after being used to having him around every day, but again you didn’t want to tell him what he could or couldn’t do, what hurt you the most was the fact that he accepted it without talking with you first “do you realize what a month means now? What you getting hurt mean? What losing you means?” your voice broke with the last question, you didn’t even want to think about that possibility “why do you need to do this so much? They have been just fine since you stopped going on missions, if it takes them longer to finish then so be it” you could see the pain in his eyes too, but he didn’t say anything for what it felt like an eternity.

“I’m going to be okay, nothing ever happened to me before, it won’t happen know, I promise” he said grabbing your hand, eyes glued to yours.

“don’t make promises you can control” you said pulling your hand back “I can’t believe you just made that decision without even talking to me first, I thought we were a team” that was something you used to said back when both of you were part of the Avengers, before you decided to take a step back and enjoy being with your kids without having a aching body because of the fights or being always away from them for days and days.

“We are a team, we have always been and we will always be” he sounded convinced of that, but you weren’t anymore.

“I’m going to sleep on the couch tonight” you announced, grabbing your pillow, ready to leave the room.

“I leave in the morning” you stopped in your tracks and turned around to face him, you were even more shocked to hear that, not only he had been making the decision behind your back, he had also waited until the last minute to tell you “come on (Y/N) don’t be mad” he almost begged “The world need Captain America, at least one more time”

You shook your head “I’m not mad Steve, I’m hurt” which was even worse “That is true, the world needs Captain America, but have you thought about us needing you here? Safe and alive?” the silence fell in the room again “have a safe trip, I’ll tell the kids, as always” you whispered, leaving the room and going to your new bed for the night.

It wasn’t the first time you had had an argument, but normally the ones you had were more about stupid little things, you would raise your voice at each other a little and five minutes after you would be laughing at something again, but this was different, there wasn’t raising voices or a real argument, there was only pain and the feeling of betrayal, did he really think you would have forbidden him on going to missions? You wouldn’t have been happy, for sure, but you would have talked about it.

In this case was only him announcing you that he was leaving in the morning, he hadn’t even said goodbye to the kids, you knew it was because he was so sure he was going to see them again, he didn’t think about something bad happening, but you did, because that was how life worked.


	3. THREE

**Steve’s POV**

Steve watched as (Y/N) left the room, he didn’t say anything nor did he stop her. He knew she was right about him not thinking that they needed him here too and that just made him like the worst husband and father ever.

He sat on the edge of the bed, thinking what was the right thing to do, where he went wrong, Steve thought (Y/N) had assumed his place as an Avenger, as Captain America, so he thought she would understand it.

When it started to get too much for him to handle he decided to face time Bucky, he hated phone calls, but at least with that he could see his best friend’s face.

There was a change on the phone screen and Steve saw booth Bucky and Sanne, he already knew Sanne had to help him to answer the video call, so you didn’t even bother asking.

“Everything alright bud?” Bucky asked, noticing his friend’s sad face.

Steve shook his head no and took a deep breath before start talking “(Y/N) and I had a fight, a bad one, she didn’t even yell at me, she just went to sleep on the couch” Bucky frowned and waited for him to explain what was the fight about “I told her I’m leaving tomorrow, I’m joining the mission” he knew Bucky was on that same mission.

“Wait, you told her now that you are leaving tomorrow morning?” Sanne reappeared in the conversation.

“After promising her you were done with missions?” Bucky added, hearing it that way was starting to help Steve understand where he had gone wrong.

“I thought she would understand it, the world needs me, the team needs me” he insisted.

“Sorry Steve, but you are an idiot” Sanne said shaking her head “do you really think this is because she doesn’t understand who you are? She knows it very well and she accepts it”

“Yeah, this is about you making the decision on your own, I’m still on the team and the second I have a new mission I tell this one” he says pointing at Sanne “you’ve been together for years, I thought you had that part mastered already”

Steve was used to just accept every mission in the past and then just tell (Y/N), it was their dynamic and she looked okay with it, but he hadn’t taken into account the fact that he had been away from the team for two years and their dynamic had changed.

“Damn I’m such an idiot” Steve sighted running his free hand through his hair, realizing he had messed it up.

“Told ya” Sanne added.

“What are you going to do then?” Bucky asked, knowing his friend too well.

“I have to go on that mission, I’ve already said I’m going, but I can’t go leaving things like this, I’m going to talk with her now” he wanted to give her space, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep while being in a fight with (Y/N).

“Good luck idiot” Sanne said before disappearing again.

“Yeah, you’re going to need it” Bucky gave him a little smile and then he hang up.

It was on him now. He left the phone there and went downstairs looking for (Y/N). She was curled up in the couch, hugging a blanket around her body and her back in his direction.

Steve walked over and kneeled next to her, rubbing her back softly, he knew she wouldn’t be sleeping either “Love, I’m so sorry, please let’s talk about this” he whispered. She had heard him perfectly, but (Y/N) just decided to ignore him “we made a promise, remember? Never go to bed mad at each other” she felt the need of punching him so hard when he said that.

“You promised no more missions too, promises are nothing to you” when she was mad or hurt she knew how to be mean and what to say to hurt the other person, it was something she wasn’t proud of, but it was who she was.

He sighed, trying to not get affected by that, she was partially right after all, but he just wanted to be okay with her before going on a mission the next day.

“I know what I did was wrong, I get it now and I’m sorry for not telling you before accepting the offer” it was always so hard to stay mad at him, he made it so hard because he always meant well and she knew that, but this time he had messed up real bad and she couldn’t just look the other way.

(Y/N) turned around to look at him, her eyes were red and puffy as well as her nose because of the crying, she couldn’t help but worry so much about him and it made her angry that he cared so little about it or at least he acted like he didn’t care.

“Does it mean you are staying?” she asked hopefully, but that silence were there again, that silence she knew so well “I can’t believe you Steve, I can’t understand that you don’t see I’m doing this for you and for our family and you are still going!” she exclaimed as the tears started coming out of her eyes again.

“I prom-“ he stopped before making another promise and make her angrier “this is the last time, I see now what I did wrong by not telling you sooner, but I already agreed to go on this mission, I can’t back up now”

“Bullshit! That is a lame excuse, even for you!” there it was the screaming, she couldn’t hold it back anymore.

“Damn it (Y/N)! I am trying here and you just push me away! I am going on this mission tomorrow and there is not changing that so this is either I leave in good terms or I leave like this” he said clearly desperate.

“Mama…” you both looked in the direction of the tired voice coming from the door, James was standing there, rubbing his eye with one hand and holding his little teddy bear with the other.

“hey bubby, did we wake you up?” (Y/N)’s tone changed drastically to a soft one as she went to pick him up, he automatically laid his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes.

She looked at Steve, he looked defeated, still on the floor next to the couch “you better say goodbye to the kids tomorrow” she said before walking out of the living room.

Steve waited there in case she came back, but that didn’t happen and when he went to see where she was he found you sleeping with James on your bed. That was an image he wanted to keep so Steve got his phone and snapped a picture before taking his side of the bed and watching her and your son sleep for most of the night.

The next morning Steve woke up really early, before (Y/N) or James could and he went to Clint’s house, he knew the archer would be up by that time so he took his chance to say goodbye to the girls, they barely woke up while he told them he would be gone for a while, but he kissed them a bunch anyways before going back home where he found (Y/N) already up in the kitchen with James. She was making him breakfast.

“I went to say goodbye to the girls” he said hoping to get a good reaction from her.

But she only nodded and said a small “good”, not even looking at him, which only frustrated him more. He just went upstairs to get changed and get his things before the quinjet came to pick him up.

When he put his old uniform on he found a picture he always carried around since you started dating, it was from when you two went to your first date and it was visible how happy you two were. A big smile on (Y/N)’s face while Steve kissed her cheek.

He smiled at the old picture and put it back into his pocket to keep it close.

The familiar sound of the quinjet outside his house brought him back to reality and he rushed to be outside the door the sooner the better.

He threw his bag on the kitchen floor and picked James up “Hey buddy, dad is going to be gone for a while, are you going to be good?” James nodded like if he had any idea of what all that meant “good job” Steve smiled kissing his cheek a few times “I love you” he added giving the boy another kiss before putting him on the floor.

It was time now to say goodbye to (Y/N) and he didn’t know how he felt about it or how did she feel about it either.

“I’ll call as soon as we land, okay?” he said softly, grabbing her hand, this time she didn’t pulled it back, but she wasn’t looking at him either. He lifted her head putting a finger under her chin and leaned in to kiss her in the lips, but she turned her face, making the kiss go to her cheek. That definitely hurt him, but he didn’t try to make the situation worse “I love you” he said pulling back to look at her.

She only nodded and didn’t say it back, (Y/N) knew you would regret all of that so much, but she couldn’t pretend everything was just fine, so she just made it look like nothing while he grabbed his bag again and went out the door.

\------

It had been a week since Steve had left, they were at their destination, but his head was completely back at home. He talked with the kids everyday and a few exchange of words with (Y/N) from time to time, but not much, she always ended the calls the sooner she could and Steve didn’t feel like he could last like that for a whole month, especially since he had Bucky reminding him what a big mistake he had make.

Steve would never answer to any of Bucky’s comments, he had enough with (Y/N) being mad at him, he didn’t want to have another argument with his best friend too, but that changed after his last phone call with (Y/N).

After she hung up on him after a few words to tell him everything was fine Steve threw his phone into his bag and started to get ready to get into one of HYDRA’s compounds. Bucky was looking at him the whole time, every movement he made, it was obvious he wasn’t okay.

“Steve, why don’t you stop trying to do what is ‘right’ and go back to your family?” that’s when Steve had enough, he just snapped.

“I get it okay? I get that you and Sanne have all figured out! But you should understand why I am doing this! You have Sam back home right now while you are here doing what is ‘right’, I have to do this to protect them, because I am the only one who can try and protect the world they’re living in! And if (Y/N) gets mad at me there is nothing I can do to stop her from doing so, but you too? I thought you knew me better”

Bucky stayed calmed at his words, he wasn’t going to snap back at him “I am lucky to have Sam back at home, very true, but how about how lucky you are of being able to retire and be home with your wife and kids? I can’t do that; I would feel so guilty doing that. I messed a lot of people’s lives while I was brainwashed and now I have to make it up for that, but you? You get to stay home and see your kids grow up, see James do all his first things, do you know who was there every time one of my kids walked for the first time? Sam, not me, I get to know about it through a fucking phone call” that was a sensitive subject for him so he didn’t get into more detail with it, Steve had got the message loud and clear.

“Bucky you don’t have to make it up for anyone! You did nothing wrong” Steve didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but he did and he couldn’t take it back now.

“And you don’t have to be here, saying that you are doing this to protect your family” Bucky said pushing him slightly “who will protect them if something happens to you and you end up six feet under the ground, huh? You left your house when your own wife wasn’t even looking at you and you still claim you are doing this for them, you are doing this for you, because you are fucking Captain America and you can’t live without a war, am I right?” he added pushing him again.

“What the fuck Bucky?” Steve grabbed his wrist to stop him from pushing him “what is your fucking problem right now?!” he pushed him, making him collide against the metal wall of the quinjet.

“My problem is how ungrateful you are being right now, you have the perfect life and you get to enjoy it, yet here you are trying to save the fucking world, stop lying to yourself for once!”

“I don’t have a perfect life! I’ve never had it and that is why I can’t enjoy it now! You are so sure of everything; you’ve always been because you’ve never been the weak skinny boy who had to fight twice as hard to get what he wanted!” Steve pushed him harder this time, he didn’t even notice how much strength he was using “maybe I look different on the outside now, maybe I am stronger, but I’m still the same and I still wonder how did I get the things I have, the family I have and if I don’t protect them I will lose them, I’m not going to go through that”

“You are already losing them by being here! You think you are still the same you used to be, but you are not! The Steve I knew before this” he pointed at his now muscular and toned body “he would have never done something this stupid!” things were getting out of hand and that’s when Natasha took a step forward and stopped them.

“You stop or I kick both of your asses, we are here you can save this for later” she said giving them a deathly look.

Bucky just looked at Steve with a frown on his face, he was mad at his friend and he had his reasons, he was being irrational right now and he wouldn’t bother on talking with him until he started acting like himself again.

Steve sighed and walked away from him, this was going to be an easy mission, get in and get out as fast as possible, he would talk with Bucky later and he would call home to try and talk with (Y/N) again, he really needed his peace of mind.

It was only Bucky, Natasha and him for that mission, so they got separate ways in order to get inside the compound, it was awfully quiet inside, like if all the soldiers had left.

“This place is empty” Natasha said thought her earbud after a while.

So it wasn’t only the side Steve had came through, it was the whole place, which only meant something, this was a trap, they must have known they were coming.

“We have to get out of here now” Steve ordered.

There was no way they could take over the compound if there were no people inside to do so. Nat and Bucky agreed with Steve and said they were on their way out. Steve was about to do the same when he hear something, he followed the sound to a closed room. It sounded like someone was having trouble to get out and when he opened the door he found a man tied from hands and feet and with a gag in his mouth.

Steve rushed to set the man free, he took the ropes off and then the gag, he helped the man up, but that was the trap, when the prisoner stood up he activated a chain of explosives, there wasn’t even time for a countdown, everything just blew up in a second.

Nat and Bucky were already out when they saw right in front of them as everything got down in flames.

Bucky’s eyes went wide and he immediately tuned his earbud on “Steve! Steve answer! Are you there?!” he could feel the panic inside him increasing with every second that passed and he didn’t get an answer from Steve.

He didn’t wait any longer and started to run towards the destroyed place, Natasha stopped him before he could get closer “what are you doing? You can’t go in there, the place is burning” she hated having to do that because she wanted to go inside to look for Steve too, but she couldn’t risk Bucky’s life, he had a lot to lose.

Bucky got free from Nat’s grip and kept running to the compound, he knew the risk he was taking, but if there was any chance of getting Steve of there alive he was going to take it. Steve was his brother, his best friend, his family and he had fought for him when no one else did, so there was no way in hell he was leaving him there without a fight.

The place was a mess, he couldn’t even breathe or see anything in front of him because of the flames.

“Steve!” he kept calling him, desperate to get an answer, but nothing came out of the ruined place “Fuck Steve answer me!” he wasn’t leaving that place without him..

It was getting harder and harder to breathe when he saw the familiar colors of Steve’s uniform and he felt some relief, although not so much since he didn’t know if he had lost him for good, he was lying on the floor, surrounded by flames, his uniform was torn apart and his mask completely destroyed, the burned skin was visible on the places his uniform had broken.

Bucky just grabbed him and started to pull from his body with all his strength, trying to get him out of there before both of them got trapped in that place.

It was getting too much and he didn’t think he would be able to make it when a new pair of hands appeared to the rescue, Natasha.

With her help they managed to get him out of there and into the quinjet the fastest they could, he wasn’t responding and his body looked lifeless. Bucky couldn’t stop thinking about how their last time talking had been a fight and he couldn’t even start thinking about telling (Y/N) that he was gone, it was just unbearable.


	4. FOUR

“Steve?” he heard Bucky’s voice, but it sounded so distant “Hey Steve” that’s when he saw Bucky snapping his fingers in front of his face and he came back into reality “You really need to learn how to be more discrete”

Steve couldn’t stop smiling while he looked into (Y/N)’s direction, they were in the common room at the Stark tower. She looked so distracted while reading some documents Tony had given her a few minutes ago.

“Can you believe she accepted to go out with me?” Steve asked, finally looking at Bucky, but the smile still big on his face.

You two had been friends for a while now, ever since (Y/N) joined the team a few months ago. He always thought she was beautiful, funny, kind, caring, he could  go on for hours talking about her, but at first he thought it was just that he enjoyed being around her as friends. Luckily for the man, Sam and Bucky were there to make him realize what he was feeling was more than just a friendship, he was falling for her from head to toe.

He would never admit it out loud and much less in front of his friends, but he knew it was true. He wanted to spend every minute of the day next to her, he wanted to tell her his bad jokes because she was the only one who laughed at them, and he wanted to have a real date with her. Invite her somewhere nice to have dinner and then take her into the dance floor, but he was too scared to ask, he didn’t feel like she would like that, who would like to go out with someone who was the age of a granddad?

Bucky chuckled and patted his friend on the back; he knew more than what he could tell so he just smiled at him “are you nervous?”

“Should I be?” Steve’s face changed drastically when he turned to look at him again “I should have read something about how dates work nowadays, right?” he was trying not to panic.

“Read?” Bucky laughed “Steve, people nowadays use internet, but hey, listen” he put both of his hands on his shoulders “you are going to be fine, okay? Just be you and relax”

“That is not being me” he tried to joke, but he was still a nervous wreck.

 

That night Steve arrived to the restaurant they had agreed to meet at, but he was early, he wanted to make sure that she didn’t have to wait for him and since he knew her pretty well he knew she was the kind of girl who tented to show up at meetings way earlier than the accorded time.

He was sitting on the side walk, looking down at the flower he had got for her, when he felt someone sitting next to him. He turned to see who it was and he saw her, looking even more beautiful than usual, or maybe it was just the fact that she wasn’t on her usual work clothes, but he was just sure that he wouldn’t be able to take his eyes off her.

“Have you been waiting for too long?” her voice soft and sweet filled his ears and he felt his mind coming back to reality, looking at her was just hypnotizing.

“N-no, just a few minutes” he smiled, feeling weird about how his voice sounded all of the sudden “I knew you would probably be here earlier than necessary”

“You know me too well Steve” the way she says his name is probably his favorite sound in the entire universe “is that for me?” he had forgotten about the flower and he felt so stupid, but she just looked fine about it, she didn’t look nervous or awkward about the situation.

“Yes, sorry, I forgot I had it here” he chuckled nervously, handing the flower to her “I wasn’t sure which ones were your favorite, so I just got this one”

“I don’t really have a favorite, so I would have loved it no matter what” she smiled grabbing it “thank you, though, you are so sweet” she said adjusting the flower on her ear “do I look good?” she asked once she had finished.

Good? She looked gorgeous, that was his mind was screaming, but he couldn’t get to say it, it was like he had lost the ability to speak “Y-you look… amazing” he managed to say.

She had noticed how nervous he was, but she was fine with it, it only made him look even more adorable on her eyes. (Y/N) stood up and reach out for him to hold her hand “we should go inside, I bet you are hungry, you always are” he smiled at her and took her hand, it wasn’t like he needed the help, he just wanted to feel the contact of their hands together.

She linked her arm with his and just that small gesture made him feel like over the moon, was it possible to fall in love so fast like he was falling?

During dinner he started to feel more confident, you were friends after all so it didn’t have to be so weird. You talked about a recent mission and laughed at how Sam got stuck in a tree with his wings, he was literally like a bird and then you started to talk more about yourselves.

Steve told her about life seventy years ago, more in detail than he had done other times, he told her about his family, how it felt to lose his parents and how he made his decision to be the subject for the experiment that changed his life completely, that lead to him showing her pictures of his young self before the big change.

“Oh my god Steve, you look adorable” she said holding the phone to see the picture in better detail.

“I wouldn’t use that word to describe how I looked” he chuckled.

She looked up at him, a serious look on her face “you were adorable back then and you still are, also all the things you talked about… you are incredible, you have a kind heart and that is so rare to find, so don’t ever say you are not adorable, at least in front of me” she said before looking back at the phone, like she hasn’t turned his world upside down in a second by saying those things.

He was surprised about how easy it was for her to express her thoughts about him like that, not being scared about the response from the other person. That got him wondering about how many people she had been with before and how Natasha had told him about the bad experiences she had had with other guys, but she was still there, trusting him with her feelings.

“I think the fair think to do would be that you show me a picture of you when you were younger” he finally said, catching her attention again.

“are you sure you want to see that?” she was already getting her phone as she asked that question “I was kind of a weird kid” she chuckled looking thought her phone until she found one and she gave the phone to him.

“No way” he looked at the picture and then at you to find similarities “your hair, it’s crazy” he smiled.

“It still is in the mornings” she laughed. She noticed a familiar melody starting to play on the background as Steve kept saying things about the photo she had shown him.

“You are adorable too, for the record” he said “is it weird if I said we could have adorable kids?” he didn’t know where he found the courage to say something like that on a first date, but he tried not to think too much about it, she was laughing, in a good way, which meant she was taking it good.

“No, it’s not too weird” she said offering him a hand as she stood up “is it too weird if I ask you to dance with me?”

_(the song I imagine is “Stolen dance” by Milky Chance btw)_

That place wasn’t a bar or anything like that; it was a restaurant where people went to eat so there was no one dancing. Steve looked around at the other tables, everyone was in their own conversations, enjoying their meals and he was being offered to dance in the middle of that quietness, but (Y/N) was the one asking him to dance, that was a game changer.

He remembered Bucky’s words telling him to be himself. Dancing in a restaurant wouldn’t be included on the list of things Steve Rogers would do, but for some reason he took her hand and stood up, he couldn’t know if dancing in restaurant was like him because he had never done something like that before so he loved the fact that she was making him try it.

Steve let her guide him at first, the song had a good rhythm and it was quite funny because the lyrics were about dancing all night so it was kind of the perfect situation.

She guided him across the tables while moving her body along the music, with every note she let herself be freer with the way her body moved and soon enough he found himself spinning her around, laughing and guiding her to the rhythm.

“Excuse me, you can’t dance here” you heard one of the waitress say while walking towards you.

“One last move, get ready” she said closer to him that he would have expected.

She walked away from him and stopped a few feet away, facing him. She smiled and then she started running in his direction, that is when he knew what he had to do and he got himself ready.  When she was close enough he brought his hands to her hips and lifted her up in the air. She had her arms extended as he spun around, making her spin too. She was a giggling mess and that only made him smile more as he looked up at her in admiration.

The person around started clapping, that’s when he remembered they were there, he had completely forgotten about it.

Before he could lose his balance he stopped spinning, he put her hands on his shoulders as he started getting her down. She didn’t move her hands from his shoulders even when she was already on the floor as she looked up at him, almost out of breath.

“I didn’t know you were such a good dancer” she whispered, they were so close but it felt so good.

“I didn’t know you were so bold” he smiled, also whispering.

“Well I am, and right now I would kiss you, but I don’t know if that is what you want” she confessed, catching him by surprise.

It had been so long since his last kiss he didn’t even remember how to do it anymore, he wasn’t also the kind of guy who kissed on the first date, although this was his first real date ever, so he didn’t have previous experiences.

But now he had to make a decision, she was waiting for something and he was sure they were going to be kicked out of the place for dancing there.

“I really want to kiss you too” he finally said, it was how he felt and he wanted to feel care free for once.

She smiled, putting one hand on his cheek, her eyes went from looking at him into his eyes to look at his lips and back to his eyes. She leaned in slowly and in just a second her lips were on his. It was a soft and gentle feeling like everything she did and then he just let himself go into it and kissed her back, putting one hand on the back of her neck and the other on her hip, holding her closer.

 

**_Your POV_ **

You’ve been at your parents’ house for the past couple of days. Being home alone with the kids was getting harder with each day it passed and it wasn’t the fact of taking care of them by yourself, that was easy and you loved doing it. The hard part was how lonely it got without Steve there.

Before he retired you used to do this all the time, with both Peggy and Nat, you got used to it, but now you had got used to having Steve and losing him over night didn’t help, so you decided to just go and spend some time with your parents.

All the times Steve called while he was gone you didn’t even mention it and it surprised you that the kids hadn’t mentioned it either; they got really excited every time they talked to him so it was kind of normal that they forgot everything else.

After one of the usual phone calls you decided to go back home to get more clothes and also do groceries on the way back and in case Steve called again you left your phone with the kids, you didn’t want to talk with him at all, or at least you had to make it look like that, because the truth was that you missed him terribly.

After driving for over an hour you got home, being so far away from everything normally was a good thing, but not right now that you were staying in the city.

You started doing some laundry and tidying up everything you found your way when you hear a familiar sound outside, the sound of a quinjet, which was unusual because Steve wasn’t supposed to be here for at least another three weeks and besides, he had called not so long ago, he would have said he was coming back.

Curious, you walked outside and waited until the quinjet landed and the doors opened to see who was getting off it, Bucky.

“I called you, Peggy told me you would be here” you could tell by his face that something was not okay and that’s when you felt like getting sick.

“Buck, where is Steve?” you asked, your voice above a whisper.

“He is… stable” the pain was noticeable in his voice “you should come with me”

You didn’t wait or asked more question, you just closed the door behind you and run into the quijet with Bucky. Everything felt so strange, your heart was beating so fast you could hear it in your ears and it was getting so hard to breathe.

Something inside you wanted to make so many questions, but you were too scared of the answers, so you didn’t say a thing and you let your mind go to the darkest places.

Bucky was concentrated on the ride so he didn’t say anything either, you could see how worried he looked and how hard would be for him to talk about it too, that was another reason why you didn’t make any questions.

As soon as the quinjet landed you got off, not even waiting for Bucky, It wasn’t like you didn’t know your way around the place, you knew perfectly where the medical ward was and that is where you headed to.

Making your way down the long corridors no one stopped you until you reached the restricted area of the ward. A nurse opened the door and she was ready to ask you why you were there, no one were allowed except for doctors and nurses, but before she could open her mouth you walked pass her to find Steve’s room.

“Hey! You can’t be here!” the nurse exclaimed running behind you.

“I’m way pass asking for permission” you muttered “tell Tony it’s (Y/N)” you were paying attention to every room you walked by, ignoring the nurse, who stopped following you once you told her that.

The last room was your destination, you opened the door and saw him laying there, looking like if he was just sleeping peacefully, but you could see all the burn marks over his shirtless torso.

You walked over next to him and held his hand, you had never felt so bad like you were feeling in that moment, you had let him go without telling him you loved him and you refused to talk to him over the phone calls.

“Steve” your voice was shaky and you felt tears running down your cheeks fast.

You wanted to say something else, but the knot on your throat was too tight to let you say anything so you just leaned in and kissed his forehead softly. This couldn’t be it, he had to wake up and come back home with you.

The door opened, but you didn’t even bother on looking who it was, your eyes didn’t left Steve’s face.

“This was in his uniform” Bucky’s voice was one you knew too well so you turned to look at him, he was holding a picture in his hand, a picture you had took on your first date, right after they kicked you out of the restaurant you have had dinner at for dancing in the middle of the place.

A little smile appeared on your face and you took the picture “he was so nervous that night” you said remembering it so well.

“He was nervous the second you accepted on going out with him” Bucky chuckled softly, sitting on the other side of Steve’s bed.

You were about to ask him what had happened and what had the doctor said, but then you felt Steve’s hand move under yours and your eyes flew to Steve again.

He groaned and opened his eyes slowly; the confusion was clear on his face. He looked at Bucky first and then at you, with a frown.

“Where… where am I?” he asked weakly.

“You just survived an explosion” Bucky smiled at his friend.

“I- what?” he looked even more confused.

“You were on the phone with your kids right before we went into HYDRA’s compound, it was a trap, remember?” Bucky said.

“My… my kids?” that is when he looked at you “what kids?” your brain started screaming, but you remained as put together as you could when he asked that.

“Steve… do you know who I am?” you asked, scared of the answer.

“Yeah, you are (Y/N), why wouldn’t I know that?” he brought a hand to his head; he probably had the worst headache right now.

“But do you know who I am to you?” you moved your hand away from his slowly.

“We are team mates” you looked at Bucky with tears in your eyes, he was already looking at you, but you couldn’t read his expression. You wanted to think this was something normal after what he had been through, but what if he didn’t get all the memories back “guys? What’s going on?” Steve asked, catching your attention again.


	5. FIVE

Nothing, Steve didn’t remember a single thing about you two being together, not your wedding, when you moved into your tiny apartment in Brooklyn and the hardest part, he didn’t remember your kids.  
It was all getting too much and you couldn’t stay there while Bucky asked him questions, because you couldn’t form a word.  
You were trying to calm your breathing and your tears when you felt a hand on your shoulder. You turned around to find Bucky, with a sad expression on his face that only made you cry even more.  
He pulled you into a hug that you gave back, you needed someone in that moment and he was there, probably as hurt as you were.  
“I am so sorry” he whispered, hugging you tighter “I should… I should have been with him” you heard his voice breaking, something you haven’t seen before, Bucky crying.  
“Buck, it’s not your fault” you rubbed his back, trying to keep your voice steady “you could have never known this was going to happen, so don’t say that”  
“I was mad at him and we had a fight and now-“  
“I was mad at him too, okay?” you pulled back to look at him “and I shouldn’t have let him go no matter what, but I did and you got in a fight and there is not changing that, but it’s no one’s fault, let’s focus on getting him back”  
Bucky nodded slowly, he didn’t look so convinced, but at least you make him stop from crying, something you were still surprised it had happened.  
You walked back inside the room, but Bucky stayed outside, which was fine, you understood this was hard for him too, but you knew he would be there no matter what, like the rest of your friends.  
Steve was looking at the ring on his finger, the one you had put there so long ago. When he heard the door he looked in your direction, you could tell this was hard for him too, having people telling you about a ton of things you couldn’t remember, it couldn’t be easy.  
“How are you feeling?” you asked, stopping close to the bed.  
“Weird, I-I really can’t remember a thing (Y/N)” he said, he sounded desperate.  
“It’s okay” it really wasn’t, but you would make it okay somehow “You’ll get back your memories” you added, giving him a little smile.  
“We have… three kids?” you just nodded, if you had to talk about it you would just end up crying “how could I forget about that?” that was a question you wish you knew the answer to “can I see them?”  
“I don’t- I don’t have my phone here” you finally said “I left it with them in case you called” you bit the inside of your lip to hold back the tears.  
“Can we go and see them?” you felt his hand holding yours, you loved that feeling, but at the same time you hated it, because he wasn’t himself in that moment, without his memories. He didn’t remember his love for you, but you did and holding his hand was more painful than something good.  
“We don’t know if you can leave this place” and you didn’t want the kids knowing he didn’t remember a thing, you didn’t know if you could handle living that situation.  
“We can take him home” Bucky said entering the room “at least for now. The doctor says he is stable and about his memories, well it’s a matter of time” he wanted to sound hopeful, but it wasn’t really his thing “if something happens we can bring him back here”  
Steve didn’t wait another second. He got out of bed and noticed he was half naked, so he tried to cover his body as fast as possible, which turned out kind of funny.  
“You realize that we have three kids and I have seen everything a ton of times, right?” you chuckled, getting the new clothes you saw on the chair.  
Steve was blushing at your words and it reminded you to his old self, when he was so shy and careful around you. He took the clothes and changed quickly, he walked into the bathroom while Bucky and you waited outside, but you heard him scream all of the sudden and you rushed inside just to find him staring at his reflection on the mirror.  
“What is this?!” he exclaimed while touching his beard.  
“Oh come on! Are you going to say you don’t like it now? You’ve had it for years now” Bucky was trying to hold back the laughter.  
“I mean it’s not bad, I just wasn’t expecting it” he said, still shocked by how he looked.  
“We should go, Sam and Sanne were heading to your place” Bucky announced.  
Steve frowned looking at Bucky “Sanne? Did Sam get a girlfriend?” the expression on Bucky’s face was priceless and if it wasn’t because your husband was basically amnesic you would have burst into laughter.  
“He wishes” Bucky finally said “Sanne is my girlfriend, is it so hard to imagine I have a girlfriend? God”   
He walked outside the room and you followed, hoping Steve did the same. The walk was silent and awkward, at least it was awkward for you, probably it was so confusing for Steve.  
Back on the quinjet he looked even more confused, he was looking outside the window, not saying a word, none of you were saying anything and it was starting to get annoying.  
“Aren’t we going to the Avengers compound?” Steve asked when he noticed you were getting outside the city.  
“Buck said we are going to our place” you said “do you really think we live in the Avengers compound with our kids?” you chuckled, trying not to sound too bitter about it.  
“I guess not” he whispered when he noticed how stupid it was what he had said and how hurtful it should have been for you to be reminded again that he didn’t remember your life together.  
Bucky and Sanne’s car was parked outside the house, but you were more interested on Steve’s reaction as he saw where you live. He seemed so amazed and shocked and you knew the reason behind that was how insecure he had always been, sure he was strong and always up to get whatever he wanted, but he told you when you first started dating that he never imagined himself living in a big house, being married and having kids. He got everything he wanted and now he couldn’t remember any of it.  
They knew where you had the spare keys so when you went inside the house they were already inside, with the triplets of course.  
Steve’s eyes went wide “wait, are those our kids?” he asked, looking at you confused.   
Again, Bucky’s reaction was priceless. No one laughed, probably because of the sad part of the situation, but you all wanted to laugh at it for sure.  
You just shook your head “They are Sanne and Bucky’s” you said, walking to get a picture so he could see his actual kids.  
Steve turned to look at Bucky, a huge smile in his face “you have kids? You have triplets?” he was clearly as happy as he was the first time he found out, probably even more, he even put Bucky into a hug “you did it Buck”  
“Yeah, thanks Steve, again” Bucky chuckled, patting his back.  
“These are our kids” you said walking back to him and handing him a picture of the five of you when you went swimming to the lake. You were holding James, Steve had Nat on his shoulders, holding one of her hands and the other around your waist. Peggy was standing in front of you, smiling widely to show she had lost her first tooth.  
He looked at the picture carefully, taking in every detail, trying to remember anything he can, but nothing was coming back to him, which felt awful because he could see clearly how happy they all were and he wanted to feel like that again.  
Steve looked up at you again, with sadness in his eyes, that’s how you and everyone there knew he wasn’t remembering anything “we’ll help you get every memory back, okay?” Sam said walking over next to him and putting a hand on his shoulder.  
He nodded, although his mood didn’t seem to change to a better one “can I see them?” Steve asked, referring to the kids.  
You had been thinking about when that moment was going to come since he asked it the first time and there it was, you had a clear answer to that, but it made you feel like the worst mother ever, you were just trying to protect both Steve and the kids.  
“I’m sorry Steve… I don’t think that is a good idea” you said “they miss you so much and if we go to see them and you don’t remember them-“ you had to stop to catch your breath “I don’t want them to be confused or hurt” you added.  
In his face was clear that he understood it, although he looked really sad about it, but he didn’t insist any longer.  
“They are at my parents right now” you said, trying to give him more information “we went there after you left and I will just let them think you are still in the mission” then you thought about how devastating it was going to be for them to not get calls from Steve.  
“I think that is a good idea” he said, giving you a small smile “I’m sorry” he had been apologizing from time to time and it didn’t bother you, it only made you want him to remember everything sooner.  
“You can stay with us” Sanne offered “you know while you are trying to remember”  
“I can stay with Sam, I don’t want to be in the middle of everything” Steve said.  
“Oh I live with them man” Sam told Steve “so coming with me is coming with them”  
Steve frowned; he was clearly confused by what Sam had just said “you and Bucky are living under the same roof?”  
“don’t get me started, these two give me the worst times” Bucky laughed, he was already sitting next to Sanne, leaning against her as she played with his hair.  
Steve looked at them, thinking about the offer, and then back at (Y/N), he was waiting for you to decide for him, which wasn’t fair because you wanted to be with him all the time and tell him all about you two together, but you knew you needed to give him space for him to remember things by himself “I think you should go” you whispered with all the pain that caused to your heart.  
“Okay, then I’ll go” Steve muttered, looking down at the picture he had still in his hands “Can I take this?”  
“Of course you can” you said giving him a small smile “I can give you more if you want”  
“Thank you” when he smiled back you felt like starting to cry right there, but you were stronger than that “Can I see the house?” you nodded and stood up, waiting for him to follow you.  
Bucky, Sam, Sanne and the kids stayed in the living room. Bucky was enjoying being back with his kids sooner than expected.  
You took Steve to the kitchen first, it was clean since you haven’t been here the past couple of days, normally it was a mess hard to keep under control.  
“Here is where we spend a lot of time, I taught you how to cook” you smiled proud of your achievement, he was surprised by that and it was normal, he sucked at cooking when you met “we have Saturday night fun, which basically means our friends come over and we made them homemade pizza” you added, remembering the last Saturday when he got the phone call.  
Steve was looking around, curious “How did we get all this?” he asked looking back at you.  
“By working hard” you chuckled “we used to live at a tiny apartment in Brooklyn and then I got pregnant with Peggy and we moved here” you didn’t remember the fact that you hadn’t mentioned your kids names so his eyes went wide the mention of Peggy “Peggy, Natasha and James” you said pointing at the picture he was still carrying.  
He nodded and you went to show him the rest of the house, not getting into much detail, after all you couldn’t help him by telling him your memories in detail, everyone creates their own memories in a different way, so you just could be hopeful that he would remember at some point.  
You ended up sitting outside on the ground trampoline you had, Steve insisted on getting it for the kids, but everyone knew he wanted it mainly for himself, he was the biggest kid.  
You looked over at him and your eyes met, for the first time that day, he looked so lost it only made you sadder. He was trying so hard to remember, it was so obvious, but it was obvious how stressed and anxious he was too because of the whole situation.  
Looking at him was too much to handle so you just looked down, it made you feel guilty not being able to control your emotions right now, because you knew how bad it was making him feel, but you couldn’t help it, it was like losing him but he was still there, just a foot away from you. You wanted it to be just a normal night, you had put the kids to bed and you had come outside to look at the night sky, while he held you close. The amount of times you had fallen asleep out there while he was holding you and leaving kisses on your temple.  
“I’m sorry” you said wiping a tear away “I really don’t want you to feel bad about not remembering anything” you felt his hand on your shoulder and you looked up at him again.  
“I know” he smiles “and although I don’t remember anything I am so sure that you are the best wife, the best friend and the best mother for our kids I could ask for, I just know it in my heart” your heart felt so tight in your chest as the tears fell faster down your cheeks, you loved him so much it hurt “Come here” he didn’t wait for you to move, he just pulled you into a hug you accepted without even thinking about it.  
You hugged him tight, taking in his scent. This wasn’t fair for any of you, it was so clear to you, but you needed that so bad, you needed him so bad.  
The sound of the door opening behind you made you pull apart “I’m sorry to interrupt guys, but the kids are tires, we have to go” Sanne announced.  
“Okay, we’ll be inside in a second” you said wiping the tears away.  
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay here?” Steve asked, he was clearly worried about you “I really don’t mind”  
“You have to go Steve” you said with a sad smile, it was so ironic that just a week ago you were begging him to stay and now you were telling him he has to go “I’ll go visit you and you can call me any time you want to ask anything, okay?” he nodded slowly, it reminded you to James, so much it took your breath away.   
When James didn’t want to go to bed he would never cry to get what he wanted, he would look at you with the same eyes he got from Steve and he would hold back everything inside, like Steve was doing right now.  
You stood up and offered him a hand that he accepted and you walked back inside. They all fell silence when you walked in, but it didn’t last long because Caleb slapped Sam in the face, making him complain about how Bucky had taught him to do that.  
Steve kept looking back at you as he walked to the quinjet with Sam, you kept smiling and waving at him until they got in and left, that is when everything came crashing down and you didn’t hold back the tears anymore.


	6. SIX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains flashbacks

“You are taking our bed” Bucky repeated for the hundredth time to Steve “We’ll share it with Sam, I’m sure he’ll appreciate the company”

“I would appreciate you sticking that metal arm up to your-“

“Okay, okay I’ll sleep here” Steve said before Sam could finish his sentence “I’m still curious about how are you three going to manage to sleep in one bed though”

“With me in the middle for sure, I’m not up to strange movements in the middle of the night” Sam said, earning a frown from Bucky.

They had arrived to the place an hour ago and they’ve been discussing that for the pass forty-five minutes, it was driving Sanne insane and when she finally put the last triplet to bed she went to fix the situation.

“Whose asses do I have to kick now?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips.

Sam automatically pointed on Bucky’s direction while Steve was just looking at her intimidated by her mom pose.

Bucky noticed Sam pointing at him and he slapped his hand quickly “maybe I end up sticking my metal arm somewhere else” he muttered so Sanne couldn’t hear him, but she of course did.

“You two, out of here, now” She commanded. Sam and Bucky didn’t even question it, they just walked outside as fast as they could “and if you need anything, just ask for it, okay?” she changed her strict tone when she talked to Steve, who just nodded and looked at how she left the room.

Steve looked around the room, it was cozy and they had a few family pictures around. He picked the one they had on the nightstand and looked at it closely, he didn’t remember the last time he had seen his best friend that happy, but then again, he had lost his memories so it was hard to know for sure.

He put back the picture and got undress, leaving his clothes folded on top of their dresser. Steve hadn’t take much before coming here and he didn’t use pajamas either so he was ready to go to bed, something it felt so weird for some reason.

He lie on the left side of the bed, the last thing he remembered was having his own bed and sleeping in the middle, so taking an specific side of the bed made him wonder if it meant that was the side of the bed he got once he started sharing one with (Y/N). He wanted to call her and ask it, also just to hear her voice again, it had a soothing effect on him, but it was late and he wasn’t going to call her to ask in which side of the bed she sleeps.

Falling asleep that night ended up being a real hard task. He couldn’t stop thinking about all the information he had received in the past hours, he couldn’t stop thinking about the family he had and he had forgotten about. How could he forget about what he had always wanted to have the most? He finally got to sleep while looking at the picture (Y/N) had given him, the one where they were at the lake.

Because of how late he fell asleep he was really tired the next morning and he didn’t woke up at 6am like he was used to, but Sam was there to remind him it was time to get his ass out of bed.

“Man you could use something else to cover at night” he complained while opening the curtains so the light could hit Steve right in the face.

Steve groaned and rolled to the opposite side of the bed, covering his head with the pillow, he wasn’t ready for another day of not remembering anything, it was so frustrating.

“Yo, Popsicle, no excuses” Sam threw one of his shoes at him “we have a lot to do today”

Steve grabbed the shoe and threw it back at him “I’m coming, Jesus Christ”

“Hey, language” now Sam was just messing with him, but Steve’s expression was worth it.

“I didn’t-“

“Language!” he cut him off, but he couldn’t hold back the laughter anymore “I’m joking, now get out of bed and let’s go”

“Welcome home Steve” Bucky shouted from the corridor.

“You shut up, Robocop” Sam returned the shout.

“Okay I’ll be out in five” Steve agreed, finally getting up from the bed.

Sam left the room so Steve could get ready and he went to the kitchen where the rest of the family was preparing breakfast.

Bucky was about to take a bite of his toast when Sam took it from him “thank you honey, I was starving” Bucky narrowed his eyes at him, but Sanne gave him another toast before they could start world war three right there.

Steve joined them not so long after. He walked over to Sanne and took the plate she had ready with more food “can I take something else?” he offered.

“Wow guys, look at that, someone in this house being actually helpful” she said indirectly to Sam and Bucky, who pretended like they hadn’t heard a thing while they were stuffing their mouths with food “It’s okay Steve, just take that”

He nodded and walked over to the table, sitting in front of Sam and next to Bucky. Both of them looked at Steve, eyes like daggers “Man, what the fuck? You are making us look like shit” Sam muttered.

“Language” Bucky whispered pointing at the triplets, sitting at the table too and playing with their food “but yeah Steve, what the fuck?”

“I was trying to be helpful” he tried to defend himself.

“I can hear you, you know that right?” Sanne said joining them at the table.

That is when they pretended like they were talking about something else; like they were just talking about what they would do for the day.

Sam was leaving to see (Y/N) and spend some time with the kids and her, trying to make some company; he didn’t exactly tell that to Steve, he didn’t want him to feel bad about it, so he just said he was going to check on her.

Steve was going to stay home with Bucky, there were some things he wanted to show his friend and it was also the perfect time to do his dad duties while Sanne went out to do some earrings and meeting some people.

 

Back in the Rogers’ household (Y/N) was back with the kids. She had picked all her things that same night so in the morning she could head back with the kids. Anxiety was eating her inside, she hadn’t slept the whole night and she could feel a constant headache, so all she wanted was to be back at home, at least there she had Steve’s things close and it was like having him there.

The kids had asked so many times why Steve hadn’t called yet and you didn’t know what to say anymore, she needed them distracted, that’s when she decided to go to see the Barton’s, That way the kids would be entertained and she would be able to catch a break.

Laura and Clint already knew what was going on, the whole team knew by now, but she was grateful that they weren’t all on top of her; she liked to take care of her problems by herself and ask for help if she needed it, like right now.

The kids went out with Clint and Pietro, they would keep them entertain for a while, especially Pietro. (Y/N) stayed inside with Laura, talking about the awful night she had had and how scared she was about what was coming after, talking long term if Steve didn’t get his memories back it would be just so messed up for all of them, would he want to be part of the kid’s life? Did she want that for them? And she didn’t want to even start thinking about their relationship, it was just too painful.

“Let’s make some cookies, I’m sure the kids would appreciate them after this play session” Laura offered, she wanted to get (Y/N) to stop thinking so much, it was impossible to make her forget completely, but if she could do it for a while it would be good enough.

When Sam got to (Y/N) and Steve’s place and saw there was nobody there, but the car was parked outside he automatically knew where to find them, he could almost hear the kids screaming and laughing from there, so he walked to the Barton’s.

“I see I don’t get invited to play dates anymore!” he exclaimed, approaching the chaos of kids formed outside the house.

Clint was teaching the older kids how to use a bow, Natasha and Nate were playing together as usual and Pietro was in charge of James, both of them loving every second of it.

“Uncle Sam!” Nat exclaimed, dropping the toys she was using and running towards him.

Sam caught her and lifted in the air “there she is! My favorite bird!” Nat laughed while moving her arms in the air like a bird.

After a few seconds he put her down, but he was still carrying her up while he walked over to the rest.

“Hey guys” no one even moved from their positions or what they were doing “I’m happy to see you too, wow hold back all that emotion, Jesus” he added “this is why you are my favorite” he whispered to Nat.

“Are you going to stay to play?” she asked hopeful.

“Of course, but first I’m going to see your mom, okay? You better prepare me a good meal for when I come back” he said setting her down.

Nat ran back to Nate and told him Sam was going to join them, she was clearly really excited. Sam went into the house; it was quiet and dark in the living room.

“I swear to God if you wake her up that would be the last thing you do” Sam stopped on his tracks when he heard Laura’s voice.

He turned in her direction with a surprised expression, she was always chill and sweet, it wasn’t a real threat obviously, but just hearing her saying that was surprising enough. Sam followed her to the kitchen and waited for an explanation.

“I don’t know how, but she fell asleep, she hasn’t slept all night so all the rest she can get is good enough” Sam nodded in agreement, he would had loved to talk with her, they were really good friends since they first met and they became even better friends when she and Steve started dating, roasting Steve bonded her to him the same way roasting Bucky bonded him to Sanne.

“I don’t think Steve had spelt too well either” he said, sitting on one of the chairs “How is she doing though?” he could imagine the answer to that, but still, he wanted to know in detail.

Laura told him all the things she had talked with (Y/N) and Sam paid close attention, thinking about a way to help her. Laura asked him the same about Steve and Sam explained her how Bucky was trying to get some of his memories back right that moment.

 

Steve was playing with Alex in the triplet’s room while Bucky was giving a much needed bath to Caleb and Brandon after a messy meal they had had. Alex had been the first to finish so Steve took the lead to give him a bath while the other two finished and he was now trying to tire him out to put them to bed for their nap.

He was lying on the floor on his belly, facing a tired Alex, fighting for not falling asleep right there.

“Hey buddy, look” Steve showed him a book “do you want me to read it to you?” just by seeing the book Alex understood that meant going to bed so he nodded eagerly.

Steve chuckled and picked him up, he tucked him in his little bed and sat on the floor next to him as he started reading it to him, he changed his voice for every character and showed the kid all the pictures, he didn’t even realized how much he was enjoying that moment, it got him thinking if he used to do that every night with his own kids, how could he missed them so much without even remembering them?

When he looked at Alex again the kid was gone, hugging his little stuffed animal close to him. He smiled and went to see if Bucky needed any help, for his surprise he was doing pretty well, besides being wet from head to toe, like he had had a bath too. Steve took Caleb from him and helped Bucky to put him to bed too.

After cleaning the mess caused by the kids and Steve and Bucky trying to take care of them, they finally sat on the couch. Bucky had a big album with him, one that (Y/N) had given to him the night before to try and help Steve remember.

He opened the big book at a random page and it happened to have a picture where he appeared, which meant he could tell Steve that story, he was surprised to see that picture there since it was from one of Bucky’s first missions when he joined the team.

\------

_It was Bucky’s third mission with the team and he was still hesitant about the whole thing, Tony wasn’t making it easy for him either, it wasn’t like he was reminding him all day that he killed his parents, but Tony pretty much was giving him the silent treatment, pretending like he didn’t even exist._

_Bucky hasn’t complained about it the whole time, he didn’t need Tony’s approval or him liking how Bucky managed things, but he liked to be okay with everyone and it just made him feel bad being somehow reminded of what he had done in the past._

_“Buck, are you alright?” Steve asked patting his back._

_Steve had noticed something was off with his friend the past couple of missions and he wanted him fully focused on what they were doing, he didn’t want to risk his safety no matter what._

_“Yeah, I’m great” Bucky said as he finished packing the quinjet._

_It was so obvious he was lying, but Steve didn’t insist any longer, hoping he would talk with him if he needed it._

_“Hey, you two! Smile!” they looked at Clint, who was calling them and before they could even react Clint took a picture “damn, this is going straight to my cringe collection” he laughed before walking away to snap more pictures of his distracted friends._

_After finishing the mission Steve was ready to just go to bed when he noticed Bucky was still up, he wasn’t the kind to stay up late and there he was still watching some TV in the living room. He sat next to him and stayed silent for a few minutes, Steve knew too well how Bucky worked, he wouldn’t admit what was going on with him out loud, but by watching Steve knew what could it be, Bucky’s only regret and nightmares until this very same day._

_“Buck, you did great today” Steve said looking at him “and you did great in the first two missions, you know that right?”_

_Bucky was still looking at the TV instead of looking at him, he only nodded and didn’t say a word._

_“I’m glad to have you back in the field” Steve added, putting a hand on his shoulder “you didn’t have to join the team after all you’ve been through but here you are trying to make amends with things you did while not being yourself, that is who you are Bucky, that is the great person you are” he looked at Steve, he wasn’t surprised at him knowing what was going on  in his mind, but he was touched by his friend’s words “I love you Buck, goodnight” Steve smiled standing up and going to his room, leaving Bucky the space he needed._

_\------_

Steve was looking down at the picture as Bucky told him the story behind it, he was trying so hard to remember something, but again, it didn’t work. That didn’t change how he felt about Bucky being in the team though, he felt the same exact way he had felt in the past apparently.

It was clear to Bucky that his friend was in the same sea of forgotten memories, so he flipped the pages looking for another story he could tell him and he came across a Christmas one, that one should help him.

\-------

_Before becoming Iron Man, Tony threw epic Christmas parties every year. After being Iron Man, Tony stopped for a while, he didn’t know how it happened, but it did, until one year he decided to get that tradition back, he was trying to make it an Avengers tradition now, that is why the team was the only people allowed there, except if someone wanted to bring a plus one, which was not usual since everyone there were their own friends._

_Tony wasn’t expecting people who weren’t part of the team, except Clint’s family and of course Ned, he made sure that kid was invited even before Peter could even suggest it._

_That year was the first Christmas Steve and (Y/N) were spending as a couple, everyone was very aware of their relationship; it wasn’t like they were shy about it in public._

_What surprised everyone was Sam coming to the party with company. The second Sam walked through the door with her everyone fell silent. It wasn’t because of the new face, but because she was there with Sam, he was always so quiet about his private life that no one saw that coming._

_After a few seconds everyone reacted and they started making questions to Sam, he refused to give anything away, but his guest, Sanne, answered the questions. Apparently Sam had babysat her in the past. After solving the mystery the party went back to normal._

_Everyone was having a blast and Pietro, somehow, ended up convincing Sanne, Clint and (Y/N) to go and sing with him in the karaoke machine, not other song but ‘what makes you beautiful’ by One Direction._

_It was definitely a show, a terrible show, you all sounded terrible, but you didn’t care because the acting of the song was what made it so good, the rest was laughing and Peter was filming it for later, of course._

_“Did you like it?” (Y/N) asked Steve when they finished the song and she walked back to him._

_“It was… it was good” he nodded, smiling._

_“I thought Captain America couldn’t lie!” she knew he was lying; she knew how bad of a singer she was._

_“Captain America can’t, Steve Rogers can try” he said smiling wider._

_“You lie even worse than I sing” she laughed._

_“You’ll have to show me then” Steve wrapped his arms around her and lifted her up with no problem at all._

_“Steve!” she had to hold to him for dear life, but she was enjoying it very much._

_They kept messing around for the rest of the evening and towards the end of the night (Y/N) end up sitting outside in the balcony with Sam, they were talking and watching as Steve, Bucky and Sanne were talking at the bar. They noticed that was the first time Bucky had took his jacket off, revealing his metal arm. He looked anxious about it, but Sanne didn’t look surprised._

_(Y/N) looked at Sam, who was grinning “you really think I didn’t tell her about the pain in the ass Bucky Barnes is?”_

_(Y/N) laughed and shook her head, Sam was so much Sam. After like ten minutes Steve walked into the balcony, he looked like he had seen a ghost “you could have told us she’s fucking 16!” he whispered._

_The look in (Y/N)’s face was priceless as she tuned to look at Sam “Hasn’t been Bucky hitting on her all evening?” she muttered trying her best to not burst into laughter._

_Sam nodded slowly “yes” and he couldn’t hold back the laughter another second._

_Bucky appear in the doorway, clearly flushed “fuck you Sam, this isn’t funny, she told me to choke her with my metal arm, she’s 16!” that is when (Y/N) broke and started laughing too. Bucky and Steve looked a little lost though; they probably weren’t getting in what sense she had told that to Bucky and it just made it funnier._

\-------

“That was your first Christmas with (Y/N) and when we first met Sanne” Bucky concluded, trying to get a good response from his friend, but Steve was looking at the picture like he was trying to be in that moment.

In the picture you could see all of them standing in front of the huge Christmas tree. Steve had his eyes glued on him and (Y/N), how happy they looked as he was holding her close; he was resting his chin on her shoulder, his arms wrapped around her waist and their faces touching, with big smiles.

“How long have (Y/N) and me have been together then?” he was scared of that answer, he could imagine a long time by the fact that they had a seven year old daughter together.

“Around nine years” Bucky said, looking at him cautious, Steve looked hurt by his answer, thinking about how many memories he had forgotten in those nine years “Do you want me to call her? Maybe you could spend some time together, you could ask her about things I can’t answer” he suggested, to what Steve just nodded.


	7. SEVEN

It had been already over a week since Steve had lost his memories and not a single thing had come back to his mind. He would look at pictures for hours, at the kids and wife he couldn’t remember. It would get so frustrating he had to go out to get some fresh air and not lose his nerves.

He had been keeping a diary to see his progress, but there was no progress at all. It only made him feel desperate, like he wasn’t going to get anything back although Bucky, Sam and Sanne would tell him a ton of stories trying to help, nothing was working.

Not seeing (Y/N) as much as he was expecting to see her wasn’t easy either, he didn’t remember her, but that didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy every second of her company. He could understand how hard it was for her though, so he never pushed farther.

Luckily for him, Sam had talked to her and she had accepted to go out with him and recreate their first date, hoping that would help. He was actually nervous for the date, he wanted to be perfect no matter what and if he got memories back that would be a great plus.

But he had to do some things first, he had agreed to help Sanne going grocery shopping, he meant it when he said he wanted to be helpful and for some reason Sanne didn’t even ask Bucky to go with her, which surprised him and he wanted to ask why.

Steve was pushing the cart through the aisles as Sanne put everything she needed inside, they were making puns with some names of the brands, it was being a fun grocery run until Steve decided to ask what he had been wanting for a while.

“Doesn’t Bucky come with you normally?” his tone was one of curiosity.

“He tried once, it didn’t go well” Sanne said, she looked hesitant about telling Steve about that, but she also knew he could handle it “They called me from his phone, only because I sent him a text telling him I was staying late at school, I’m glad I sent that text because he hadn’t added my number to his phone, he didn’t know how and we had been dating for only a month when that happened” she explained “when I got there he was a crying mess, he couldn’t barely breathe and he was literally hugging a bag of apples” she added “so I don’t even think about asking him to come, because I know he would love to do small, normal things like these, but he can’t”

Steve felt terrible about that new information and how stupid he had been for not realizing, although maybe he knew and he just didn’t remember, that whole situation was really pissing him off, he was glad he could help her since Bucky couldn’t, but he hated that his friend couldn’t do a simple task like that.

He got so distracted by what she was telling him that he bumped his cart with someone else’s and when he looked straight again he couldn’t believe what his eyes were seeing, it was (Y/N). She looked really surprised too and that emotion turned into sadness real quick, making Steve’s heart to sink. He hasn’t talked with her for like two days and it felt like an eternity, all the news he got from her were through Sam.

“Hi” she said, feeling her stomach flip and her heart beat real fast. Finding him at the grocery store was the last thing she would have expected, but there they were, looking at each other like there was nothing else.

Sanne was looking from one to the other like if it was a tennis match.

“Hey” Steve muttered after a few seconds, it was being hard for him to process the situation “I-I’ve been calling you” he felt like an idiot for saying that, he could see clearly how bad she was doing and that was the only thing that came through his mind.

“oh, yeah, I’m sorry, I’ve been very busy these past days” it wasn’t a lie, but she had had time to talk with him for sure, she just didn’t feel strong enough to do it, especially since the kids were asking for him every night when she put them to bed “but we’ll have time to talk tonight” she added, putting a string of hair behind her ear nervously.

Steve nodded; he couldn’t take his eyes off her, even when she had already taken hers off him.

“I should go, Pietro is watching the kids while I’m here” she said giving both of them a small smile. Pietro would be letting them go away with everything for sure “I’ll see you tonight Steve, bye Sanne” and with that (Y/N) left as fast as she could.

Steve kept his eyes glued to where she had disappeared and for some reason he felt guilty about the whole thing, although there was nothing wrong with the situation except his damaged brain and how that was hurting people around him.

When (Y/N) was far from the aisle she had seen Steve she let the tears come out, not caring about the people around, this was getting something usual, she had never cried so much in her entire life and at that point it was getting physical painful, no sleeping, no appetite or energy to do anything. She tried her hardest for the kids and that only damaged her condition even more.

With the few things she had she left the supermarket, she didn’t want to take the change of running into him again. For her surprise, when she got home there was a unique car parked outside, one you knew belonged to the one and only Tony Stark.

“I’m back!” you announced closing the door behind you and hearing footsteps coming your way.

“Mommy! Uncle Tony is here” Tony was already walking behind Nat when she said that.

“Oh really? What is the occasion for?” she put the bags on the floor to pick Nat up, but she had her eyes on Tony. She wasn’t mad at him, she didn’t blame him for what had happened because she knew he was probably blaming himself enough, but she couldn’t help to feel distant to him.

“I wanted to check on the family” she looked at him with her brows raised “I mean it (Y/N)” she put Nat down on the floor again.

“Go back with Pietro, okay? I’ll be there in a second” the little girl nodded and ran back from where she had come.

“I am so sorry” she could tell he meant that “I want to do something to help, even if it is to clean the house” he said walking closer.

“Tony, there is nothing you can do to make this better, no one can do anything to bring him back” saying that out loud was so much more effort than just thinking about it “I appreciate you trying to help, though”

“Mom!” Peggy appeared, running in her direction “can we go to Tony’s house tonight? Pietro says we can have a sleepover” (Y/N) looked from the excited kid up to Tony, who had an innocent smile on his face, as innocent as Tony could be.

“I have to say I didn’t invite Pietro, he invited himself” Tony said.

The truth was she was going out with Steve that night and taking the kids to her parent’s house would take so much time, so she couldn’t deny this was a little help and her only choice was to take it.

“Okay, you can go, but you better behave if you don’t want it to be the last time” she warned her.

“Pietro! she said yes!” Peggy exclaimed running back to the living room.

“I kind of knew you had a date tonight” Tony shrugged.

 

After they all left (Y/N) finally had some time to stop pretending everything was alright and she got to let some energy out by going on a run, she had more than enough time to get ready for that night and she really needed that.

At first she wasn’t going to try really hard on the date, she didn’t have the strength to, but after clearing her mind and having a lot of free time, she decided to try and look how she looked in their first date, although it had been so long since that.

She put on a black dress pretty similar to the original one; some make up and her hair down, sometimes it surprised her how fast she could get ready.

Sam had given Steve the address where he had to go and meet (Y/N) and when she got there she saw him sitting on the side walk, just like that day, she was there earlier than needed and he was even earlier than her.

Taking a deep breath she sat next to him, catching his attention “you are early” she said with a smile.

“I haven’t forgotten about how on time you always are” he smiled back, offering her the flower he was holding, it wasn’t the same kind from their first date, but the fact that he had done the same thing just made her so emotional “I couldn’t remember your favorite flowers though”

“I don’t have a favorite” she said taking the flower and putting it on her hair “thank you Steve, this is sweet” he smiled back at her, no matter how much he had forgotten about her what he knew for sure was that he liked her and he thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.

(Y/N) stood up and reached out her hand to help him up, he gladly took it and he didn’t let go of it even when he was up. She would have let go of it, but she missed that feeling and she was willing to take the risk.

“I was going to take you to the restaurant we went on our first date, but it doesn’t exist anymore” she explained “It used to be here, so I thought maybe we could go somewhere close”

He was fine with whatever plan she had in mind as long as it meant spend time with her. Steve had also so many questions, starting with how were the kids, he had been thinking about them so much and there was nothing he wanted more than to see them, but he couldn’t so he wasn’t going to ask for it.

While they were trying to find a new place to have dinner (Y/N) told him all about their first date, the things they talked about, how they kicked them out for dancing there, their first kiss, what song was playing when they danced, everything. And when she finished she looked in her purse and gave him the picture he was carrying when everything happened.

Steve felt kind of overwhelmed, but not by all the details, by all the love he could sense on her voice while talking about it, he felt terrible for not being able to feel that way too, knowing that at some point he had felt like that.

The picture was faded in the corners and the paper was weak from having it folded, but it was just perfect, he looked at it and then at her.

“You love dancing” that is something he found out right after meeting her, so he remembered that. He felt kind of stupid for just saying that out loud, but she was still smiling at him.

“I do and you love dancing too, you just don’t remember” he had always been really serious due to being Captain America, but he was just all fun and laugh once he didn’t have to be in that position, so when they started dating and (Y/N) danced to everything she heard, she made him dance with her, discovering like that what a great dancer he actually was “and you know who else loves it? Peggy” (Y/N) added, knowing he would love to hear from the kids “she says she wants to be a dancer and well Nat and James love it too, we used to dance around the house all the time”

Steve tried to imagine how that would be and although it was hard for him to picture the scene, he loved the feeling that it causes in him.

“Can I ask you something?” she nodded as they sat on the steps of a random door “Maybe it is a stupid question, but I’m curious since you told me the name of the kids. Why did we name the kids after important people in my life?”

She didn’t feel like it was a stupid question at all, it was actually a good question and she didn’t know how honest she should be because she didn’t want to get too deep into feelings.

“You never asked to give those names to them actually, you were fine with pretty much anything I came up with” she chuckled remembering some of the names she used as a joke and his faces every time he heard a new one “but we told each other everything, including how your life used to be and the people you used to know, which included Peggy. With that one I had it clear, the way you talked about her, I just wanted our kid to be named after someone important, someone worth it to be remembered somehow, so that is how Peggy worked” she could see how the expression in his eyes was getting softer with every word “And Nat and James, well they are important people in my life too, they loved the kids even before meeting them and I think they deserved to be named after incredible people like them”

“But what about the people in your life?” he loved the answer, but he was still curious to know more about her or at least to know more again.

“Steve, they are just names” she chuckled “they have amazing names, because of amazing people and if they happen to be named after important people in your life it’s because I love you and I love our family, no matter what”

That was something she didn’t want to do, to tell him she loves him, because she knew she wouldn’t get the ‘I love you’ back and she didn’t want to put him in that position.

(Y/N) sighed, running her hands through her hair “I’m sorry” Steve wasn’t really sure why she was sorry, he had heard what she had said and he really wanted to say it back, but he didn’t know if that was what she wanted to hear “I can’t do this Steve, I can’t” she stood up and looked down at him “do you even know what happened before you left for that mission?” she knew the answer to that and when he shook his head she carried on “we had a fight, because you had promised to retire from missions and you broke that promise, you told me you were leaving the night before and I asked you to stay, you left and now you are completely gone and I can’t be here, pretending that we are in our first date” she was furious, but she didn’t want to end up screaming.

Steve stood up too, he was surprised by her reaction and by what she was saying, he didn’t even know how to feel about it.

“Please, let’s just talk about it, let’s get some dinner” he said calmly, putting a hand on her arm.

She pushed the hand away, not even thinking about it. She needed to get that out of her chest and it needed to be with Steve, she wouldn’t feel better any other way.

“I don’t want to go and have dinner with you, I want to go back home with my husband and my kids, but I can’t have that! Because you choose to go and save the world instead of staying with us!” she was so mad she even pushed him, but Steve stayed still, leaving her get her rage out “you left me alone, you left and now you are back, but I can’t have you” the anger turned into sadness and she couldn’t help the tears from coming out “the kids keep asking why you don’t call and I have to keep making up excuses when this is your fault for leaving” she wiped her tears, she didn’t want to cry in front of him “you thought nothing would happen to you, you never thought about anything happening to you during the nine years we’ve been together, but I always thought about it and the one time I told you, you just didn’t care” she walked down the steps they had been sitting on, Steve still just looking at her “don’t call me Steve, I’ve taken care of the kids by myself before, I can do it again, but I can’t if you keep reminding me that I have lost you”

With that she started walking the way she had come, taking the flower off her hair and throwing it to the floor, not looking back even once. She knew how mean all that was since he couldn’t remember a thing, but when he left he knew what he was doing and he didn’t listen so even if doing that hurt like hell, having to live the way they had been living the past week hurt too and she had to make a decision.

Steve watched her go, feeling like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. He stayed there for a long time, just repeating all she had said over and over again, letting some tears out, he didn’t even remember the last time he had cried, but that is when he knew he needed to go back, so he left, getting ready for the questions waiting at home, at his new home.

Sam popped his head out of the door to see who had just arrived and when he saw Steve he almost fell backwards.

“What the hell are you doing here so early?” Steve didn’t answer him, he just walked pass the living room, ready to go to bed.

“What is it?” Bucky asked from inside the living room where Sanne, Sam and he were watching a movie.

When he didn’t get an answer and he saw Sam following Steve, both Sanne and Bucky got up and followed them too.

“What is going on?” Sam asked, actually concerned, he wasn’t joking around so that meant serious Sam was there.

Steve was lying on the bed, upside down, his clothes still on “she doesn’t want me around, I ruined everything and I did it before losing my memories” he mumbled, not moving from his position.

Sam looked back at Bucky and Sanne, he was confused about what he had just said, but Bucky knew what his friend was talking about.

“Steve-“

“No” Steve cut him off “I want to be alone and don’t make me ask for it in a worst way” he said, that was an unusual behavior on him, but they didn’t question it and they left the room as he has asked.


	8. EIGHT

Steve had been staring at the ceiling for the past three hours. Not a sound to be heard in the entire building. At least that is what Steve thought.

Suddenly the door flew open, revealing the sound of kids crying. Sanne walked in, she was holding one kid on her hip. She kicked the door close behind her and put the kid into Steve’s arms.

“I know it’s 1 a.m., but you have to watch Brandon, just keep him entertained” she said and started making her way to the door “Don’t worry, Sam has the other two, it’s just that B’s being a pain in the ass right now”

“Wait” Steve said before Sanne could walk out “What’s going on?”

The sweet look in her eyes switched to a sad one “oh” she sighed “I keep forgetting you haven’t been living with us for like ever. Buck had a nightmare, woke all the kids up, so now Sam and I have to calm the four of them down. On top of that Tony’s picking up his arm in the morning, so we took it off already, which ended up freaking him out even more”

Without giving Steve the chance to say anything Sanne walked out. Leaving him confused and holding Brandon.

The kid didn’t last awake for more than a minute; he was now sleeping on the bed next to Steve. That is when he noticed the blinking screen on the nightstand.

It was the baby monitor. There were quiet a lot of screens, but it eventually ended up landing on Sam’s room. The room was dimly lit and it wasn’t until the lights turned fully on that Steve noticed Bucky sitting in the corner. He looked scared, his hair was a mess and his right hand was rubbing the spot where his left arm had been detached.

A second figure moved into the screen. It had to be Sanne, because Sam is black and does not have that much hair.

Sanne sat down about two meters from Bucky. Her body language seemed calmed. Steve figured this wasn’t an unusual event. Seeing how she just dropped the kids with Sam and him as if it was the most normal thing ever.

Steve noticed the mouths moving, but he couldn’t figure out the sound. He knew he shouldn’t be looking but he couldn’t help himself.

He watched it all happen. How the two slowly moved closer, how Bucky seemed to get calmer, but cried more. All the way until eventually Sanne kissed his forehead and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her into a hug.

The door opened again all of the sudden. Sam walked in and put the other two kids on the bed “You watched, right?” he asked, pointing at the monitor in Steve’s hands.

Steve nodded, a little ashamed. Sam gave a little smile “good, then you should know this happens like once every other week” he sat down in front of his friend.

“We sound proofed the room so you probably didn’t hear” Steve nodded again, that would explain a lot of things “At first it happened every night, that’s actually why Sanne was failing classes, poor girl was so sleep deprived and she was losing her whole personality”

Steve frowned “did I know?” he had to have known, right? Bucky and Sam were his best friends after all.

Sam shook his head “No, Buck doesn’t want anyone to know”

God, Steve knows Bucky doesn’t like admitting when he’s having a hard time, but he could’ve helped. He could have done whatever it took.

“But that was a long time ago, he’s doing better now” Sam seemed proud, Sam proud of Bucky is something he never expected to see “Metal man is seeing a therapist and everything”

“Good” was all Steve managed to say. This was a lot of information to take in.

 

Steve, Sam and the triplets ended up sleeping in the same bed and they were woken up by the ‘sweet’ words of Sanne “Rise and shine, eggheads!”

Within a moment the room had been cleared out. All of them now standing in the kitchen, food was already served and Bucky was attempting to buckle the baby seat to the chairs. He was, however, failing badly. Sanne shook her head, laughing, and took over.

It was just like last night didn’t happen.

“Okay, I already ate, so you three are on baby duty” Sanne said, after the kids were all seated “I’m going to be at school and Ned and Peter will be here around two. Sam, Bucky, you two are going to VA, right?” the men nodded “okay, take Steve with you”

With that Sanne kissed everyone goodbye and left the house.

Just a few kilometers away (Y/N) was still lying in bed, crying her heart out. With the kids at Tony’s she had no reason to get out of bed.

That was until someone knocked at the door. She planned on ignore it, but it didn’t stop. So after ten minutes she forced herself out of bed and down the stairs.

When is she opened the door it revealed Clint, Sanne and a ton of booze, ice cream and cookies. Without saying a word the two made their way into the living room.

By the time (Y/N) realized what was going on, Clint had already grabbed the twilight DVD set and Sanne had installed herself in the couch.

When (Y/N) eyes met Sanne’s she shrugged “I had a rough night and Clint’s parents in law are in town, so we figured you could use the company”

(Y/N) blinked a few times, taking everything in, she could really use the company, adult company and not kids fighting for toys, not like she didn’t love the kids company too.

“I can use the booze too” she said pointing at the bottles they had brought and making her way to the couch, grabbing a bottle and taking a long sip from it. It burned her throat, but she loved the feeling.

“Take that easy tiger” Clint said taking over the cookies and lying on the other couch as the movie started.

“Give me that” Sanne said taking the bottle from her hands, but not to take it away, to give it a long sip too.

The hours went by, and movie after movie Sanne and (Y/N) kept drinking, they were drinking fast which would only make them even drunker. Clint on the other hand was in the same spot, eating from time to time and paying attention to the movies and not how Sanne and (Y/N) were whispering nonsense and laughing at it.

(Y/N) started giggling as she bounced her head at the rhythm of the song she was playing in her head and all of the sudden she started singing, almost in a whisper “I used to think that I was better alone. Why did I ever want to let you go”

Sanne turned her head to look at her, knowing exactly what she was singing and she continued the lyrics “Under the moonlight as we stared at the sea. The words you whispered I will always believe” (Y/N) turned to look at her, both of them smiling as they knew what was coming.

Clint was looking at them amused by the situation and decided to get his phone to film it, not knowing what he was about to witness.

Both Sanne and (Y/N) stood up and started singing to the top of her lungs “I want you to rock me, rock me, rock me, yeah”

Sanne got on the couch and kept singing the chorus while she jumped and (Y/N) got into the coffee table, not jumping but moving her head back and forth to let her hair go crazy.

“This is golden” Clint whispered to himself as he kept filming every second of it.

Every time they started singing the chorus the looked at each other, screaming the lyrics like there was no tomorrow, it wasn’t even in the right tone as the actual song.

When they were finish with the song they were out of breath, but not willing to stop now that they were having all the fun in the world.

“Check this” (Y/N) ran to the other side of the living room, where the fireplace was and she climbed it to get the shiny shield hanging on top of it “I am Captain America and I don’t know how to use the camera on my phone!” she said trying to make her voice sound deeper like Steve’s “Let’s test it, throw me something” Sanne didn’t even think about it twice and grabbed one of the empty bottles. She threw it and (Y/N) moved the shield in front of her making the bottle collide against it and break into a million pieces.

When she uncovered herself and looked at Sanne they both had her eyes wide open, they knew how bad it could have been without the shield, but they were also drunk so it only lasted one second until they burst into laughter “do it again!” (Y/N) exclaimed.

“No no no no, that was enough” Clint said standing up and going to stop Sanne from throwing something else.

“Come on, you are always the life of the party” she chuckled, trying to get away from him.

“I am when a house is not being destroyed in the process” Clint said grabbing her and throwing her over his shoulder with no problem at all.

Sanne started clapping her hands while she laughed “go faster!” (Y/N) was laughing so much at how Sanne thought she was in the ride of a roller-coaster that she fell on the floor, still holding the shield “don’t laugh and come join the ride!”

(Y/N) crawled until she reached Clint and she wrapped her arms around one of his legs “for fuck sake, who said kids were hard?” he complained trying to move his leg away from (Y/N), but only getting what she wanted, being dragged across the room.

Meanwhile Sam, Bucky and Steve were almost at the Rogers’ house. They had gone to the meeting and after that Steve said he was going to try ant talk to (Y/N), which his friends agreed on, but under their conditions. It was only one condition; they had to go with him.

“Really guys, I think I should go inside by myself” Steve said for the millionth time as they walked to the door.

That is when they heard the noise coming from inside the house, a weird noise since it was supposed to be (Y/N) the only one there; they knew the kids weren’t home.

“If this is a party and I haven’t been invited to it I’m going to be mad” Sam said as Bucky tried to open the door, it wasn’t locked so they made their way inside, they could hear the laughter and the music.

As they made their way into the living room they saw the chaos. (Y/N) was dancing on the coffee table, which didn’t look too safe since her balance was terrible at her stage. Sanne was crying out of laugher as she rolled back and forward on the soft rug and Clint was sitting on the couch just watching and eating some chips.

When he noticed they were there he waved at them “welcome home, enjoy the party, you know what they say about joining your enemy when it is stronger than you? that is what happened here” he said looking back at the wasted girls.

(Y/N) stopped dancing when she heard Clint’s words and she noticed the new company in the room “guys you are here!” she stepped off the table and was about to walk to them when she tripped with Sanne who was rolling her way.

She fell on top of her and started laughing “why is the room moving so fast?” Sanne asked as her head moved from one side to the other.

“You are moving too fast, idiot” Sam said while Steve and him went to help both of them up.

“Sam? Why are there like… five of you right now?” Sanne snorted.

“We have enough with one, don’t you think?” Bucky said quickly, the idea of five Sams wasn’t his way to describe a beautiful word.

“Buck! You are here too!” she looked extra excited when she noticed him too, so excited that she stumbled in his direction and wrapped her arms around his neck, just hanging from it “the prettiest metal man ever” she mumbled.

Bucky wrapped his arm around her waist to help her up and not end up falling again.

Steve was just a few meters away holding (Y/N) up too, his hands on her waist and hers on his shoulders, she couldn’t stop giggling.

“Your shield is cool” she randomly said. He frowned confused, looking down at her and before he could ask what she was talking about she cupped his face and made him lean in so she could kiss his forehead “you shouldn’t frown, you look more handsome when you smile” she whispered before laughing at how funny she thought her voice sounded.

Steve was still frozen at the closeness and her actions, he wasn’t expecting that when he decided to come here to see her, but he wasn’t expecting to find her drunk either.

“I think I should take care of this one” Clint said moving one of (Y/N)’s arms away from Steve, he was trying to do some damage control for later, nothing that she could do while being drunk would be good for any of them later.

“I think I’m going to throw up” (Y/N) mumbled.

Steve didn’t need anything else to pick her up bridal style and going to one of the bathrooms “I got this!” he exclaimed as he ran though the corridor.

Sanne pulled back a little to look at Bucky in the face “you know we make the prettiest babies right?” Bucky was looking at her so confused, this was something he hadn’t witness before “I’ll make it up to you tonight, we can make more pretty babies” she tried to whisper that, in her head it was like she was actually whispering it, but she wasn’t “don’t look at me like that, we’re going to have like… twelve kids” she laughed resting her forehead on his shoulder.

“We are going to need a bigger fence” Bucky chuckled.

 Sanne looked up again immediately with a big grin on her face and that is when she noticed Sam again “Sam you are here!” she exclaimed.

“Yeah I’ve been here for the past ten minutes, remember? I helped your drunken ass up from the floor” Sanne closed her eyes, nodding way too much, like she agreed on whatever he was saying, but in reality she hadn’t paid attention to it.

“Do you know Bucky has never seen me drunk?” she looked at Clint, like if that information was the most interesting in the whole universe.

“I’m really shaken by those news, I would have never guessed it” Clint said, sarcasm clear in his voice.

Bucky helped her to get to the couch where she laid, looking at the ceiling with a big smile, but she closed her eyes the second everything started spinning again. Bucky sat on the floor, next to where she was laying, rubbing her hair softly, he didn’t know exactly what to do, what she said was true, he had never seen her drunk before.

“You might be missing an arm right now, but I’d still fuck you” Sanne said out of the blue, making Clint start laughing and Sam make a disgusted face. Bucky just chuckled and kept rubbing her hair.

Not so far from them, Steve was rubbing (Y/N)’s back. She was on the bathroom floor, with her head hanging over the toilet as she threw up, she didn’t remember the last time she had drunk alcohol, probably was back in high school, she didn’t even liked alcohol.

When she stopped she leaned her head on her arm, that way she could look at Steve. He hasn’t said a thing the whole time, but he didn’t look mad either, he looked more worried than anything.

“I was going to ask you if you remember when I had morning sickness like mostly the whole first two trimesters of Nat’s pregnancy” her words came out tiredly and it was hard to understand what she was saying, but Steve understood her perfectly “but then I remembered that you don’t actually remember” she added, chuckling bitterly.

Steve moved the hair hanging over her face to see her better, he was about to say he was sorry about that again, but it didn’t seem like the best time for that “I should take you to bed” that’s the only thing he could come up with.

She let him help her up, Steve was doing all the job actually, (Y/N) was just letting herself be carried around “wow look at you taking me to bed in our first date, you better not get me pregnant, I’m married” she laughed as Steve lie her on the bed and covered her body with the sheets.

“Are you really?” Steve played along the joke, kneeling next to the bed to be at the same height.

(Y/N) nodded, getting her left hand from under the covers to show him her ring, she was smiling like a fool as she looked at it for a few seconds before looking at him, who was just smiling because she was smiling.

He lifted his hand too to show her his ring, even though he didn’t remember anything he hadn’t taken it off “I’m actually married too” he whispered.

She moved her hand to his, palm against palm for a while until she intertwined their fingers and held his hand close to her chest. Not a word left her lips; she just closed her eyes and stayed like that. It didn’t last long because just a minute after Steve felt how their hands got loose, which probably meant she had fallen asleep, so he leaned in and kissed her forehead before walking outside the room to check on the others.

Steve walked into the living room and saw that Sanne was actually sleeping too, Bucky sitting next to her as Clint and Sam were cleaning the mess around the living room.

“I’m going to stay with (Y/N), she will probably wake up feeling pretty bad” he announced, making Clint and Sam stop doing what they were doing.

“And do you really think that is a smart choice?” Sam asked.

“Yeah, are you going to be here when Tony bring the kids? Do you think she’ll be happy to wake up and find out you had broken her number one rule?” Clint added.

He had already thought about that, but at that point he didn’t care about it. He didn’t remember the kids, but he knew he wanted to see them and if he wasn’t to remember a thing for the rest of his life he would still want to be part of the kids’ lives, even if he had to get to know them all over again.

“This is my family and I’m going to take care of them, with or without memories” he said starting to tidy up the living room too.

Clint and Sam looked at each other, not really sure of what to say and then they turned to look at Bucky, who was looking back at them with the same expression. They didn’t think that was a good idea, but he couldn’t force him to do otherwise.

Sam tried to convince him to let him stay there with them, at least until (Y/N) woke up, not being drunk anymore, but Steve was firm on his words, he was the only one staying there and he also told him he had Clint close in case he needed anything, which wasn’t exactly what Sam wanted to hear, but it was good enough.

They stayed to help him clean up the mess and after that they took the drunk and sleeping Sanne from the couch to take her home to her comfy bed.


	9. NINE

It was one of the warmest days she could remember from that fall and of course they were enjoying it outside. Nat and Peggy were playing ‘tag you’re it’ and jumping in the trampoline when they got tired of running. It wasn’t that hot, but the girls were sweaty and flushed from all the playing, they wouldn’t stop, which was just fine by (Y/N), who was sitting on an extended blanket on the grass, trying to concentrate to read her book.

She had to remember the girls to stop from time to time to go drink some water and catch their breaths; those moments didn’t last long though.

Suddenly she felt a pair of little hands on her back and she turned to find the youngest Rogers sibling, with his ‘I’ve just woken up’ face. It was (Y/N)’s favorite face on the kid, he looked so adorable and huggable.

Not so far from the kid was Steve, walking her way too, he was matching James, they both were wearing flannels and it was just the cutest thing you had ever seen.

Steve sat down next to her, so close their bodies were touching, and he kissed her cheek. She smiled, leaning on him as James moved from her lap the second he saw his sisters, he was ready to join the play time and it was so funny to watch him stumble though the grass to get where they were.

“Jamie!” Peggy ran to him and picked him up the best she could, just to take him to the trampoline were Nat was jumping.

“Can we stay like this forever?” (Y/N) whispered, closing her eyes, it was so quiet she could feel Steve’s heartbeats and how he chuckled at her words.

“I don’t know about forever, but we could stay here the whole day” he whispered back, kissing the top of her head “laundry is done and I’ve already started preparing lunch, we could eat here”

(Y/N) smiled and moved back so she could wrap her arms around his neck and kiss his cheek over and over again, she hated doing laundry and this was her turn so hearing he had done it for her was just like telling her they had won the lottery “I love you” she said between kisses.

He laughed, wrapping his arm around her waist to pull her closer “I’m going to have to do your turns of laundry more often” he joked.

“Mom!” she turned around to see what Peggy wanted “come and show me how to do the back flip!” Peggy loved trying any crazy acrobatics even she was still young and she couldn’t do them by herself, but (Y/N) helped her, she could do all of them since she used to be a dancer and she had taught kids in the past. Her kids would learn how to be professional gymnastics the second they started walking.

“My fans need me” (Y/N) said looking at Steve again “if I don’t make it out alive in ten minutes don’t come looking for me, it just means it’s too dangerous” she joked pecking his lips before standing up and walking over to the kids.

Steve laughed “what about me?! I’m your biggest fan!” he exclaimed.

“It’s a shame you are not as cute as them!” she replied, not even turning to look at him.

“Dad you have to come too!” Nat was running towards Steve, she grabbed his hand and pulled from it to make him stand up.

He didn’t need too much convincing, he was more than ready. He picked Nat up and ran after (Y/N), picking her up with his free arm, which he put around her waist to lift her up.

“Steve!” she screamed, laughing “we are going to-“ but before she could finish they had already fallen on the trampoline, both of them on top of Steve..

“Mom! Jump mom!” (Y/N) could hear Peggy’s voice, but she couldn’t see her around anymore “Mom?” she turned the other way and James was gone too as the voices faded away “where is mom?” Nat’s voice sounded so far away as everything got dark around her.

(Y/N) opened her eyes suddenly. She was breathing rapidly, her heart beating fast and her body covered in cold sweat.

Outside the room Steve was preparing some soup for (Y/N) when he heard the main door opening and the sound of kids’ voices talking about going to tell mom they wanted to go to Clint’s house. Steve got nervous, this was the moment he had been waiting for so long, but also the moment he was terrified of.

“Mommy can we-“ Nat stopped on her tracks the second she walked into the kitchen and saw Steve “Dad!” she screamed so loud that the guardians of the galaxy heard it for sure.

She ran towards him to hug him, he was already prepared to catch her and so he did. He hugged her tight, a big smile on his face. He might not remember a thing, but that feeling and that reaction were priceless.

“Dad you are back!” Peggy screamed too the second she walked into the kitchen. He kneeled and opened his other arm so she could join the hug “I’ve missed you so much” she said hugging him tight.

“I missed him more” Nat pouted, not letting go of him for a second.

“I missed you more, all of you” Steve said, he wasn’t lying, he missed them every second. He couldn’t wait to change the pictures for the real ones.

“Have you seen mom? She’s going to be so happy!” Peggy was excited just at the idea of surprising her mom. Steve just smiled and nodded.

“I already saw mom, she’s sleeping because she is getting sick, so we have to be quiet, okay?” for some reason Steve felt like he had been doing that his whole life, which was the truth, but he thought he would feel weird and he didn’t know how to act.

He was feeling weird, because he didn’t remember details about them, like their favorite foods, what they don’t like and stuff like that, but he needed to act like he remembered.

“Steve?” he looked up to see who else had walked into the kitchen and he saw Tony, holding James.

James was clapping and giggling at the sight of his dad and the second he looked up James only wanted to get off Tony’s arms to go with Steve.

Tony put the kid on the floor and he run, with no problem at all, towards his dad. He let go of Peggy and Nat and picked the little one up “hey buddy”

The mood in the kitchen felt different now that Tony had walked in, he wasn’t sure what was happening, if Steve had gotten his memories back or what the hell was he doing there, but he couldn’t say a thing in front of the kids.

“Mommy!” the second (Y/N) appeared at the door and Nat screamed all the eyes were on her, who was trying to recover from what that loud scream had done to her head.

She could barely keep her balance so she leaned on the doorframe, putting her other hand on her forehead, trying to make her ideas to stop spinning. All of the sudden everything hit her, the kids and Steve being in the same room, he not remembering anything, she getting drunk and Tony looking as confused as he had ever been.

“You should be in bed” Steve was the first one to break the awkward silence “I made you some soup”

Tony looked at (Y/N), but she was looking at Steve, still thinking in ways to kill him after this. Instead she just smiled and shook her head “I’m fine, I don’t need the soup” the truth is that she was feeling like shit.

Nat was hugging (Y/N)’s leg and she suddenly looked up “mom can we go to see Nate?” and just with that she gave her the perfect solution.

“That is a great idea sweetie” She smiled down at her before looking at Tony “could you please take them to Clint and Laura’s? we’ll be there in a second” he could read in (Y/N)’s forced smile that Steve hadn’t got his memories back and that he was in big trouble, so before he got involved in that trouble he nodded and offered Nat a hand.

“Let’s go kiddos, let’s go she the mess Clint has for us today” he grabbed James from Steve’s arms and he left with all the kids, after Peggy had a tantrum about wanting to wait for Steve so she could go with him.

The door closed behind them and the silence installed in the house. (Y/N) wasn’t smiling anymore and she was giving Steve a deathly look. She waited a few seconds to make sure the kids were far enough from the house.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?!” she yelled at Steve “what were you thinking? When I told you to not see the kids it wasn’t just a random decision, what are we supposed to do now?” she had to stop when she felt out of breath way to fast.

“(Y/N), listen to me, okay?” Steve sounded calm and he walked closer to her, but she backed away the second he did that.

“Don’t come closer to me” she warned him, lifting her hand to make him stop.

“With or without memories I love those kids, I love our kids and I want to be here with them and with you” he said, trying not to sound hurt by her actions.

“You didn’t want to stay here when you decided to go on that stupid mission! How am I supposed to believe anything you say now?” she said breaking into tears “Steve I remember everything and you don’t, we can’t work together because we are in such different places. I look at you and I don’t… I don’t recognize you” she confessed, with all the pain that caused.

“I know, I know how you feel, but you have to let me try”

“You don’t know how this feels” she chuckled bitterly “you have no idea how it feels to look at you, wanting to kiss you, to hug you, to have you back, but the second you look at me I can see in your eyes how lost you are, how you don’t know anything about me, you don’t know how that feels” she mumbled the last part.

“You’re right, I don’t know how that feels. I know how it feels to love those kids even though I can’t remember them, to love every second I spend next to you, but see how much it hurts you. I know how it feels to feel like I’m stuck in between because any of the things I remember make sense anymore and being close to you makes sense, but I can’t do it because you won’t let me”

(Y/N)’s expression changed, she was so focused on how she felt and how the kids could feel that she didn’t stop to think how Steve was feeling. She was so mad at the decision he made that she didn’t want to feel sorry for him, she felt like blaming him for the situation they were living was easier and she never saw all those things he had just said.

 

Not so far from them, Sanne was just waking up to a bouncing headache. Her eyes hurt from the bright light coming from the opened door.

“Look who finally decided to wake up” Bucky’s voice sounded loud, too loud. Sanne’s head felt like it was about to burst at the next sound.

She shook her head “Bucky, please, not so loud” within a second, Bucky had made his way to the bed, sitting down next to his sick girlfriend.

Bucky ran his hand through her short and now greasy hair. Sanne closed her eyes, the touch of his cold hand made her feel better. Bucky, however, was feeling angry and a little frustrated.

“You promised you’d always tell me where you go” he whispered the anger clear in his voice “I- I- why didn’t you tell me?”

Sanne frowned “I was on my way to school, I really was” she started “but-“

“But what?” Bucky cut her off “but booze is more important than your education? which by the way is costing us a fucking shit load of money”

Sanne sat up straight, now looking equally pissed off “Don’t you dare yell at me right now”

She and Bucky barely ever fought, but when they did it wasn’t pretty.

Tears had already formed in the corners of her eyes “I never skip school and you know all too well I don’t”

Bucky rolled his eyes “I’m decently sure you skipped yesterday, Doll”

A sigh escaped her lips “I’ve skipped one class this entire semester. Three semesters ago I attended seven classes in total so I’m doing better, but sometimes I just need some time away from being the weird classmate in a relationship with the hundred years old assassin”

Her eyes met Bucky’s, whose were now filled with tears as well “I just wanted to feel normal for a second”

“If being with me makes you so unhappy, why don’t you just leave, huh?” he spat back.

Sanne was now pacing around the room “Like you’d even survive” she knew she was hitting a touchy subject and she wanted to take it back, but she couldn’t and instead of apologizing she only made it worse “who else is going to spend their nights sleepless, making sure Bucky Barnes doesn’t try to kill himself? Because that’s what I do Buck, every single day and I just wanted to stop worrying for one second. Because I might be making jokes again, but it’s still a lot to handle and I just- I had to do something about it and boozed seemed like the answer”

Bucky was still angry, but he also realized he had never thought about the pressure the young woman was under, even with Sam in the house. He made his way over to Sanne, he put his hand on her cheek and rested his forehead against hers.

“Just talk to me, I can handle it, I promise”

Sanne sighed “But what if you can’t Buck? I need you around, so you can’t break”

 

Half an hour had gone by and none of them had said a thing. Steve and (Y/N) were sitting at the kitchen table, (Y/N) had finally eaten the soup Steve had made her and it actually made her feel a little better, but the situation felt still wrong, she wasn’t ready to let him go back into the house, but she couldn’t ask him to leave now that the kids had seen him.

She felt a hand on her forehead and that brought her back quickly. She looked at Steve confused, not sure of what he was doing.

“You are running a fever” he said, not questioning it for a second.

“No I’m not” she refused to get sick now.

“You definitely are and that is why you should go back to bed” he said getting up, taking the empty bowl of soup and going to get some medicine, but he didn’t remember where it was so he turned to look at her, she already knew what he was going ask.

“Top self on the cabinet in the corner” she said leaning her head on her hand, she was actually way too warm.

He came back with the medicine and gave it to her. He went straight to pick her up, but she stopped him “I can walk”

“I can take you, if you stop being so stubborn” he said smiling a bit and how she was looking at him.

She sighed and let him carry her back to bed, something that should feel like the most normal thing just felt like the weirdest.

Steve placed her on the bed and left a glass of water he was also carrying on the nightstand. He sat on the edge of the bed, next to (Y/N), a lot of things were running through his head, but he couldn’t erase the happiness he felt after seeing the kids.

“You should have seen their faces when they walked into the kitchen” he said, catching (Y/N)’s attention.

“Oh, I heard, who do you think that woke me up?” she chuckled, remembering the dream she was having before being woken up by Nat screaming.

Steve was still smiling at the memory, but he changed his expression to a serious one, to make sure she knew he meant what he was about to say.

“Look, I know I’ve said this a lot of times and I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything to you because I can’t remember what happened, but I’m sorry (Y/N)” he started “I’m sorry for leaving, I wish I could give you a better explication, but I can’t remember it. What I know for sure is that it should have been a really good one for me to ever risk losing you or the kids”

She knew he was saying that for real and it felt good to hear that, at least for a few seconds, but then she just wanted to know what Steve didn’t tell her about that mission, what was so important about leaving, now maybe she would never know.

“Don’t try to take advantage of my weak stage to gain my forgiveness” she said holding back a smile “but thanks for saying that, just wait until I get better so I can yell at you properly” she joked.

“That sounds fair enough” he nodded taking her hand and leading it to his lips, leaving a kiss on it “just get better, I’ll make sure you don’t have to leave this bed and I’ll enjoy my time with the kids while you can’t kick me out of here”

“Shut up” she whispered, feeling the medicine starting to make effect and how tired she was feeling.

She closed her eyes, still feeling Steve sitting on the bed next to her, holding her hand. He stayed there until he was sure she was sleeping, that is when he kissed her cheek and left the room.

He was sure she would be sleeping for a few hours and he wasn’t so happy about leaving her alone in the house so he left her a note in the nightstand saying he was going to the Barton’s and to call him if she woke up.


	10. TEN

The next time (Y/N) opened her eyes it took her a while to recognize where she was, she wasn’t sure if it was because of the fever or still being a little drunk. The room was dark and in complete silence, in fact the whole house was in silence, she didn’t even know what time it was so she checked the clock in the nightstand and saw it was 3 a.m., she had slept the whole day.

Getting out of bed as fast as she could without falling in the process, she rushed to check the kids’ rooms, they were in their beds, in a deep sleep and that is when she relaxed and took a deep breath.

She remembered everything that happened a few hours ago with Steve and how they hadn’t talked about what to do now that the kids had seen him again, which got her thinking where had he gone, she knew he wouldn’t just leave her sick and alone with the kids, so her only choice was checking the living room, where she found him sleeping on the couch.

“Steve” she whispered, pocking his arm slightly. He was a light sleeper, not like her, so that is all it took to wake him up.

He looked as lost as you probably looked when you woke up, but he was the amnesic, he had his reasons to not know where he was. When he saw you his expression softened and he relaxed.

“Hey, is everything alright?” he asked with a raspy voice low in a whisper. She would be lying is she said she didn’t want to kiss him right away, just the way he looked with that messy hair, almost no clothes on, it was so awfully hot.

(Y/N) looked up at his eyes and nodded “everything is fine, but we have to talk, now” she couldn’t wait until the morning, the kids wake up really early.

Steve looked around, confused about why it had to be in the middle of the night, but he didn’t question her and just nodded, sitting properly on the couch and trying to rub the sleep away by rubbing his eyes.

“I’m going to give you a chance” that was all he needed to feel completely awake “I am going to try to not be so mad at you, although I can’t promise anything. But you can’t stay in the house” she stated.

That just confused Steve even more, he didn’t quite understand how was she going to give him a chance, but he couldn’t be in the house, he didn’t like that part, not even a little bit “I can’t leave, what about the kids?”

“Well, I can’t just heal while having you around all the time and I would leave myself, don’t get me wrong, but you don’t remember Steve. You don’t know Peggy is allergic to strawberries, that Nat has asthma, James won’t drink anything without a straw” she started to explain “those are important things you need to know daily, so you can’t stay here with the kids, although that doesn’t mean I won’t let you spend time with them, I just want them to think everything is fine and you are just busy with missions and work”

He didn’t want to admit she was right, but she was, he wouldn’t risk the kids’ safety for being selfish wanting to stay in the house with them and as long as he could see them and (Y/N) he should be fine, at least that is what he thought.

“Are you going to leave again daddy?” they both turned suddenly to look at Nat, standing at the door, she looked like she was about to cry and (Y/N) hoped she hadn’t heard the whole conversation.

The little girl didn’t wait for an answer, she just ran to Steve, who picked her up and sat her on his lap, with his arms around her. She was resting her head on his chest and just the situation was making (Y/N) feel like the worst person alive.

Steve held her close and kissed her head. He didn’t want to answer that question, it was just too much, but he knew he had to leave and it wouldn’t be pretty when the time came.

“Baby, it’s late, let’s go back to bed” (Y/N) said softly, offering a hand to Nat, who looked from her to Steve, she didn’t want to let go from him, not when there was a chance of him leaving again “Dad will be here in the morning” She wasn’t lying after all, she wasn’t going to kick him out in the middle of the night.

“Can I sleep with you?” apparently she wasn’t going to let go of him.

“okay, let’s go” (Y/N) stood up and that caught Steve by surprise, he wasn’t expecting her to accept sleeping on the same bed as him, but he wasn’t going to refuse the offer, so he stood up too and walked to the master bedroom, still holding Nat.

It didn’t take long for Steve and Nat to fall back to sleep, but (Y/N) wasn’t tired after all the hours of sleep she had got, so she just stared at Nat and Steve sleeping, looking at them like that felt like nothing had changed and she wished it was like that because the situation they were in was taking a toll on her.

 

As mentioned before, when Sanne and Bucky had fights it wasn’t pretty. In this case it seemed to have ended pretty well, at least for now.

As the two walked into the kitchen she noticed Ned and Peter walking through the room, the triplets sitting in their seats. Their faces covered in a purple mess, which appeared to be some berries.

In the kitchen counter stood a bunch of fruits and it looked like Ned was making pancakes.

Sanne wrapped her arms around Peter’s waist, resting her chin on his shoulder “You boys sure know how to make life easier for these two old people” she joked, making Peter’s face turn red. She did really appreciate all the effort the boys were making.

“Oh, don’t go feeling all special now Peter” Bucky mumbled “This one’s just very handy” he said putting his lips against her neck, leaving soft kisses.

Sanne got noticeable tense behind Peter, who was just feeling really uncomfortable “Uhm miss Sanne, could you maybe please let go of me? Please” the boy muttered.

Ned let out a loud laugh “Jesus, Peter, if you can’t handle a hug from a pretty girl, how are you going to get anyone to love you?” As soon as Sanne had let go of Peter he shoved his best friend “asshole”

Sanne and Bucky laughed in union as the teens kept on jokingly ‘fighting’ “I’ve never been this happy you convinced me to have those idiots as our babysitters” Bucky said as he sat down holding a plate of pancakes.

Right as Ned put the last of the butter in the pan, Sam walked in “I don’t know who’s cooking, but it can’t be Barnes, this smells way too good”

Bucky just rolled his eyes and focused on his food covered kids. Sanne, however, laughed at her friend’s joke. So did Ned, who had always felt right at home with this family. Peter, on the other hand, had always been a little cautious around Sam and Bucky, which given their troubled past made a lot of sense.

God knows Bucky was trying, but Sam, well Sam is how do you say it? Sam. Who is by nature a huge pain in everyone’s asses and not really the forgiving kind, which made it really hard for Peter, the sweet and polite boy to get on Sam’s good side.

So when Sam handed Peter a box everyone was surprised, even the triplets were silent.

“What? I had it lying around. I thought the nerd might like it”

Ned was hanging over Peter’s shoulder as he opened the box, revealing some old comic books. A smile formed on Sam’s face when the boy started to thank him very excited.

“Wow Sam, those are ancient” Bucky said, holding one of the comics in his hand.

“Not as old as you, my sweet dinosaur” Sanne laughed, running her hand through her boyfriend’s hair.

Bucky audibly sighed. He lifted Alex from his seat and walked out of the room.

Sam looked at Sanne with raised eyebrows “trouble in paradise?” the girl rolled her eyes.

“Fuck off” she mumbled, eating some strawberries.

“So Ned, how is working with Stark?” Sam asked when and awkward silence installed in the kitchen.

Ned looked up from his food; his eyes shining with excitement “It’s amazing, he has so many new projects lined up with nano tech and stuff” the boy seemed so happy talking about his internship. It was honestly really adorable and then you had Sam, pretending to know what he was talking about, which looked just hilarious.

After half an hour Sanne decided to go look for Bucky and Alex. Leaving Sam, Ned and Peter to clean up the mess and take care of the kids. She hated not helping with the cleaning, but she also hated leaving stuff with Bucky like that.

“Buck?” she said as she entered the triplets bedroom. In the room she only found Alex sitting in his crib, playing with some blocks. She shook her head, who leaves their kids unprotected like this?

Right as she was about to lift the kid up and out of the crib Bucky walked in, holding a box of pictures.

“1940-1943” was visible in the label. As soon as their eyes met Bucky attempted to turn around, but Sanne’s talking made him have to stay. That was one of their few rules; you don’t walk away from the confrontation.

“If I have to talk to you about my feelings, you have to do the same, this goes two ways, remember?”

Bucky put down the box “let’s not do this in front of the little one”

Sanne rolled her eyes “there’s always an excuse with you, isn’t there?” she was so done with Bucky backing when the confrontation got too real.

Suddenly Sam walked in “I’ll take Alex, you just talk it out” in that moment Sanne could kiss Sam for always listening into her conversations.

Bucky closed the door behind Sam “Before you say anything I only left Alex alone because Tony called and said my arm isn’t going to be ready until two weeks from now and I didn’t feel like throwing stuff in from of him, I don’t want him to think his dad is a dangerous murderer”

Sanne felt sorry for Bucky until he said the last part “Look hun, that sucks, but Jesus quit the fucking self pity. I get it, your past is awful, but you can’t keep living like that”

“Oh yes, because it’s that fucking easy, miss know-it-all tells you not to be a little bitch and poof, you’re cured” Bucky spat, he wasn’t about to let Sanne tell him how to act “you know nothing about it, you’re only what? 24? So quit acting like you know anything.

Sanne shook her head a bitter smile on her face “Yes, I’m only 24 years old, but at least I try to understand what this is like for you. I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out how you grew up and what you lived, but you’re so closed off and I try, I always try, but you never open up. We’ve been together for what? A little less than three years? I still don’t know why you like boxing or even your favorite color. All I know about you is the pain and the hurt and I love you through all of that, but I’d like to know what make Bucky Barnes truly happy”

The tears streaming down her face weren’t just from anger, but also from sadness.

“You want to know why I never open up, huh?” Bucky was now screaming “I never open up because I don’t fucking know how to, because I am not the same Bucky Barnes from the stories, I’m not that soldier and I’m not the the guy that takes his date to a science fair and that’s the guy that you deserve, instead you got this 100 years old mess. That’s why I don’t open up, because I am broken and I don’t want you-“

Before he could finish the sentence Sanne interrupted him “what I can’t handle it?” she huffed.

Bucky throw his hands in the air “no, you’ll be able to handle it, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. You always take on everyone’s problems and you lose yourself during the process”

Sanne had taken a seat on the ‘reading chair’, Bucky sitting down on the floor in front of her.

“You run this household raise the kids and you go to school while I’m gone around 60% of the time, and when I’m home I’m visibly armless or mentally breaking down. Yet you barely complain and deal with all the shit I put you through like it’s nothing” the anger in Bucky’s voice was now taken over by sadness “So I didn’t want you to have to deal with my demons too”

Sanne let out a deep sigh “I’m dealing with them no matter what Buck, but if you tell me about it maybe I can help you fight them”

She kneeled down in front of Bucky “So I’ll be here when or if you are ready to talk, because I am not going anywhere”

A little smile appeared on Bucky’s lips “I know Doll, I’ll try, I can’t promise you it’ll be soon, but I’ll try”

After that Sanne dropped herself onto Bucky, who because of the lack of left arm lost his balance. The two burst into laughter after their bodies collide on the floor.

“You know, if we weren’t on our kids’ room I’d so fuck you right now, James Buchanan Barnes” Sanne said whispering the last part in his ear, slowly.

After that their lips met “I love you”

 

 

That morning, (Y/N) let Steve take the girls to school and she stayed at home with James. It was better that way than telling them Steve was leaving again and then being her the one taking them to school, at least she wanted to believe it was better that way.

So when someone knocked at the door (Y/N) didn’t know who could it be, normally in the mornings Laura and Clint leave until they come back after picking their kids from school, so it was something unusual.

“Tony? What are you doing here? Steve is gone” she informed him the second she saw him there.

“Good morning to you too (Y/N)” he said, playing fake offended “you know you are my friend too, I’m not here only for Steve” he added.

She chuckled and moved away to let him get inside. So many unusual things were happening lately so she was kind of defensive.

“I guess you are here just for me to feed you some quality food” she joked walking behind him towards the living room where she was doing some painting with James, that kid loved anything art related so much.

“Can’t I be here just for my friend?” he asked looking at her with his brows raised “food is good too” he ended up laughing and sitting with James, who was very happy to see him.

“I’ll go get you something” (Y/N) chuckled going to the kitchen and leaving them alone.

Tony then noticed a folder on the coffee table, it was opened and he recognized very well what those files were from, what he didn’t understand was why did she had them there so when (Y/N) came back he mentioned it.

“I didn’t know you were still keeping those” she followed his eyes to the folder and she sighed, it was true, those forms had no value at all at that point, but she was still holding onto them for some reason.

“It’s not a big deal, I was going through some old stuff and I found them” she shrugged, changing her attention back to James.

“Do you miss going on missions?” he asked carefully, he knew her all too well so he knew what tone to use with her in every situation.

“Sometimes” she confessed while giving James a new empty piece of paper “but I wouldn’t change this for that, I wouldn’t risk what I have just to go back to the life I used to have” she was clearly taking about what Steve had done “that doesn’t mean I don’t miss how it used to be like before, at the end of the day all the things I have today are thanks to joining the team and meeting Steve. It’s just that being here all day, just taking care of the kids… I love it, but it makes me feel like I’m not doing anything for myself and I can understand why Steve wanted to go on a mission again, what I don’t understand is the way he decided to do it” she wasn’t planning on being so specific, but there it was, the truth, it was something she hadn’t even told Steve.

She was extremely happy with the life she had, she loved being with the kids and how their lives worked, but sometimes she missed the adrenaline of the missions, not that she could do it again, she would probably be too worried about the kids back at home to concentrate on what she was doing.

(Y/N) could remember so well all the missions she went to, they were a lot, but one of her favorites were the first one she had with Steve, the first one after they had started dating. It wasn’t even the mission what she remembered so well, it was more what happened after.

 

_You all walked into the Avengers compound after a really easy and short mission. Nevertheless you were all gross and sweaty and what probably everyone was thinking was on hitting the showers._

_(Y/N), on the other hand, had a song stuck in her head and she had been all the ride to the compound bouncing her head to the rhythm, tapping her feet, drumming with her fingers. When they were finally out of the quinjet she started just dancing around, not even dancing, just messing around. The rest just couldn’t understand how she had so much energy after the day they had had._

_“Girl, are you high on something?” Sam regretted making that question immediately, because she ran towards him and jumped on his back “ugh you are sticky!” he exclaimed moving away from her._

_“Thanks!” she laughed, almost out of breath._

_“You are also a weirdo” he mumbled._

_“You are so nice Sam, you don’t have to compliment me that much” she joked patting his back before making her way to Steve._

_He was smiling at her, opposite to the rest he found her energy contagious and just really cute, but then again he was almost certain he was in love with her from head to toe._

_“Are you sure you are not high on something?” he joked, making her smile bigger._

_“You don’t really want to know” she whispered, winking at him._

_The team was just saying their goodbyes as they went into their rooms. (Y/N)’s was the last room in the long corridor and Steve was, of course, walking her there, completely clueless of what was coming next._

_He wasn’t even going to walk into the room, he was going to kiss her goodnight and go to his own room, sometimes they shared a bed, but he had all his things in his room and he thought she would like to just shower and go to sleep, but she opened the door and pulled him inside with her, before he could leave._

_“You don’t want to share a bed with me right now, I stink” he chuckled as she stepped onto the bed to be eye level with him, she was actually a little bit more higher than his eye level since she was rather tall, but she didn’t want to look up at him._

_“I stink too, we are even” she smiled, cupping his face and leaning in to kiss him._

_His hands were resting on her hips and his first instinct was to slowly move them until he had his arms around her form, pulling her closer as they kissed, definitely more passionately than just a kiss goodnight._

_Steve pulled back after a minute, but he stayed close to her, their faces were just a few centimeters away “I really should go to my room, you are probably tired”_

_She couldn’t help but laugh softly, she knew he really meant that in a innocent way, he wasn’t getting where she wanted to get and for her was a mixture between funny and cute, everything he did was normally cute._

_“Steve, I don’t care if you stink or if I am tired, I really want us to you know… sleep together” she knew trying to be subtle about it with Steve wouldn’t work, he would totally think she meant only sleeping and when she saw his face that is what she could read “not just sleep, do you know what I mean?” then he understood, his eyes wide open and his cheeks were starting to get all flushed._

_“I- I- are you sure?” his voice even got stuck when he tried to talk “d-do you want now? Like this?” they had never got to that point in the time they had been together and he had in mind other things for their first time, not being all sweaty after a mission._

_(Y/N) just nodded, she knew what a gentleman he was and she loved it, but she could also feel how nervous he was every time they got too intimate so she had the feeling she would be the one taking that first step._

_“I know you want it to be special” she smiled, trying to make him relax “but your first time with a new person is always going to be… a little awkward to call it something”_

_“Well” he cleared his throat and she felt him squeeze her hips, probably not on purpose, because he didn’t even notice “this is kind of my first time, ever”_

_She wasn’t surprised by that statement. He had told her before how Bucky was the one getting all the girl back when he didn’t look the way he was looking right now and after that he went to war just to be frozen for seventy years._

_With a sweet smile she leaned in and pecked his lips “that is just fine, it’s not like I am an expert at this either, so what about we find out our way through it together?” that seemed to make him relax a little bit, although he looked really nervous._

_He nodded and kissed her again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and enjoyed every second of it before moving her lips down to his neck, leaving kisses all the way. He tilted his head slightly so she could have better access and he closed his eyes, sighing in pleasure._

_“I’m going to need your help to take this off” she whispered on his hear “like for real, taking this off is a pain in the ass” she said pulling back to look at him, who laughed at how fast she had zoned out._

_“Wait until we have to take this one off” he said moving back a little bit to help her._

_He looked for the almost invisible zipper and undid it easily, the hard part was taking the top part of the suit off, it was like a second skin. Steve was pulling from the material and (Y/N) was pulling in the opposite direction so when it came off she fell on the bed and Steve slammed the wall._

_They looked at each other and started laughing “are you okay?” (Y/N) said trying to put her crazy hair back down as she stepped out of the bed and went to help him up “I promise the pants are easier” she chuckled._

_It took them at least ten minutes to get rid of all the clothes, she thought hers was hard, but his was definitely worse. Finally they were only in their underwear and they didn’t have to worry about those suits anymore._

_She took Steve to the bed and made him sit on it as she straddled his lap, cupped his face and started kissing him passionately. She could feel her cheeks flushing at the intense moment, but she could also feel how tense Steve was and how he wasn’t letting himself go._

_Moving her hands softly through his shoulders she pulled back to look at him “you need to stop thinking so much” she smiled, moving her hands down his arms to get to his hands and move them down to her ass “if you feel like doing something just go for it” she said kissing him again “and if you want to ask me something just ask me, okay?” she added pulling back again._

_Steve nodded, feeling a little better and comfortable about the situation, feeling like he could just say whatever was on his mind at any time made it feel less awkward for him._

_With that he moved them around to be on top of her, it caught her by surprise, but she loved it. He leaned in and kissed her, not holding back anything. He moved one of his hands up her body and unhooked her bra with only one hand, which was very impressive for someone who hasn’t had sex before. She pulled back to ask how, but he was already ready to answer._

_“Bucky taught me” that answer was just so random she burst into laughter; she couldn’t even form a word after that._

_“Okay, I don’t want to know more about that, for now”_

_They kept making out as they took the rest of clothing left on their bodies. Steve still looked hesitant from time to time, but he didn’t ask anything at any point, he just went for it and tried whatever crossed his mind. He kissed down her chest and her lips left a deep moan, making him stop to check on her._

_“Is this okay?” he asked looking actually worried about messing up._

_She nodded quickly “yeah, it’s perfect”_

_When he finally decided it was the right time he started to put himself inside of her, he was being very careful and slow. Looking from where your bodies were connecting to her face to see if he was hurting her, which was one of his biggest concerns, hurting her._

_“Does it hurt?” he asked looking down at her, who shook her head and moved him closer to kiss him._

_He kissed back and kept moving inside her, trying to find the right pace and trying to do everything right, but the second a loud moan escaped her lips he stopped again “are you okay?”_

_“for fuck sake yeah Steve, yes, I am okay, stop asking” she didn’t want to sound ungrateful with how gentle he was, but right now she just wanted him to be more confident and just to not stop what he was doing._

_“Hey, language” (Y/N) covered her mouth with one hand to try and not laugh too loud at that, only him would say something like that in that situation._

_“Shut up and kiss me” she said kissing him again “and more importantly, don’t stop” she added against his lips._

_It didn’t take them to long to finish, it was Steve’s first time so it wasn’t that big of a surprise, what surprised her was how good he made her feel for being his first time, but it was Steve, he wouldn’t just leave her girl unfinished._

_They were lying on the bed, Steve looking at the ceiling and (Y/N) laying on her side, looking at him. He didn’t look so happy about what had just happened and she knew he was being extra hard on himself._

_“You know it was great, right?” she said moving closer and leaving a kiss on his exposed shoulder._

_“It was awful, I couldn’t stop thinking about hurting you” he said turning his head to look at her “I’m sorry”_

_“Steve, stop it, it was good” she smiled at him “but you know what is the best part?” he arched his brows in expectation “that we can do this as many times as we want until you finally feel like it was the good one, I’m going to enjoy them all anyway”_

_When he didn’t smile or laughed at what she said she knew something was really wrong and she started to worry about having proposed this too fast for him._

_“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pressured you into this, I just thought you would want it too” he noticed where her mind was going and that wasn’t the case at all, he loved how confident and comfortable she had made him feel and he didn’t want her thinking this was her fault._

_“You didn’t pressure me (Y/N)” he said with a little smile, laying on his side too so he was face to face with her “I wanted this too, so much, it’s just… it’s complicated for me”_

_“Do you want to talk about it?” she was way more curious than what she let him think, she held back because she didn’t want to make him talk about it if he didn’t want to._

_“Do you want to hear about it?” she nodded and waited for him to explain himself “people know this version of me” he started “the muscular, strong, leader and Captain America version of me and although it is a big part of who I am, it is not everything, deep down I still am that skinny, rejected and insecure boy from Brooklyn, one who doesn’t even know how got the attention of a beautiful girl like you” (Y/N) couldn’t stop smiling, having him open up like that and being vulnerable in front of her just meant a lot._

_“Do you want to know what I like so much about you?” he looked curios, thinking it was his looks “it is not that you are Captain America or all the muscles. It’s this” she said placing a hand on his chest, over his heart “You have a kind heart Steve, you care about people, probably way too much” she chuckled “and you are not scared of stand up for what you believe in, I couldn’t care less about the looks, I would have fell in love with you back in the 40’s too” she didn’t stop to think about what she was saying until it was too late to take it back, it wasn’t like she didn’t mean it, she just didn’t want to say she loved him and he not loving her back._

_“You are in love with me?” he had a mix of feelings, so it was hard to read his expression._

_“Fuck yeah, I’m so in love with you” it was too late already, so might as well stand by her confection._

_“Language” he chuckled, seeing her offended face at his words._

_“Now I take it back, I hate you” she laughed taking one of the pillows and smashing it on his face._

_“No no no, you can’t take it back now” he said throwing the pillow away before wrapping his arms around her to pull her closer “Because I love you too” he smiled kissing her before she could move back._

_She smiled and kissed him back, cupping his face and letting the kiss consume them. It was a feeling she wouldn’t change for anything in the world._

Tony was looking at (Y/N), who looked just completely lost in her mind. He didn’t know what was going through her mind; the only thing he could see is the broken expression on her face.

“I can’t do this” she mumbled, looking at Tony “I don’t think I can’t do this” she added as the tears starting falling down her eyes rapidly.


	11. ELEVEN

The Stark annual ball time came around faster than anyone in the team had thought. Tony started throwing that annual dance when Clint retired. It was just like the Christmas party, another excuse to get everyone together, which was an incredible idea. When you have a family and kids time flies and you don’t realize how long it can be without seeing someone.

When the accident with Steve happened, (Y/N) had very clear that she wasn’t going to attend it, but after having that break down in front of Tony he made her promise she would go, she needed that time seeing friendly faces and kids free. It sounded very good in theory, but now that the time had come and she had barely talked to Steve in the past two weeks, it was becoming a stressful situation.

She knew she had promised Steve a chance, but she felt like she couldn’t do that anymore, so she was always making excuses to not have him around for too long and she had no idea if he had noticed something or he was just pretending to be oblivious.

Tony’s only rule was how to be dressed, it was just a friends party because no one outside the team was invited, but Tony likes his fancy stuff and he made everyone follow his orders.

 

_“James Bachamen Barnes” Sanne repeated after Sam “the pain in your ass is called James?”_

_Sam had been trying to get Sanne to go to some stupid Christmas party about 2 hours now. She had been trying to find a way out for about, well, two hours now. However she had to admit that making fun of someone sounded very entertaining._

_“C’mon San, you know I’m talking about Bucky, the Winter Soldier, the metal arm dude?” Sam had his hands behind his head, he really just wanted to get Bucky tonight and Sanne was the perfect flirtatious, way too young weapon. The 16 years old looked young, but not 16, more like 23 when she was wearing make up at least. So Sam was confident she would be able to get Bucky falling for her without questioning the legality of it._

_Sanne burst into laughter “Sam I know who Bucky is, I’m just fucking with you. Don’t you know I love every excuse to dress up?”_

(Y/N) got ready. She was wearing a long maroon red dress with some black heels. She sat in the living room and waited for Clint and Laura, she was going to obviously go with them. The kids were going to spend the night with Bucky, even the Barton kids, and she wished she was there too, wearing comfy clothes, watching a movie and eating ice cream.

“Look at that, dressed to impress!” Laura exclaimed when she saw her friend, giving her a quick hug.

“You really look lovely (Y/N)” Clint said in his best fake British accent.

“Thank you guys, but you can stop now” she chuckled closing the door behind her.

During the ride to the Stark tower Laura and Clint did almost all the talking, mostly stuff about the kids. They were trying to make conversation with (Y/N), but she was too high on her own thoughts that her answers were just short and almost inaudible.

Her only wish was to not see Steve and she already knew that was going to be impossible so she was trying to come up with a ways to get out of that dance as soon as possible and without using the excuse of one of the kids being sick, because then Steve would try to come with her.

 

Sanne was wearing these sky high maroon red heels she got from Tony last Christmas. She knew Tony would love seeing her wear them, as he always questioned why she wasn’t in heels anymore. Honestly she didn’t know why, probably because running after kids in heels wasn’t easy.

Lost in her thoughts she barely noticed Steve tapping her shoulder. When she turned around she was stunned by the maroon red suit the man was wearing “wow” she said under her breath.

Steve chuckled “you look gorgeous Sanne” she was wearing a black deep out, skin tight, mermaid dress. Her tits were almost falling out from being stuffed into the tight dress, honestly her boobs were too big for the dress, but it was this or the rest of the dress being baggy so this seemed like the best option.

“Uhm, yeah I know” she responded, putting on some bright red lipstick. She knew she probably sounded cocky, but she hated the basic ‘thanks, you look good too’ response everyone always gave. It just always seemed so fake to return a compliment right away.

Without thinking about it Steve grabbed Sanne’s hand and spun her around to see the whole dress. This made Sanne laugh, the last time she had really gone out for an event like this was probably 3 years ago, when the avengers had gotten some kind of ‘peace’ award and Bucky had asked her to accept the award in his name.

Suddenly she lost her balance and fell to the ground. Luckily Steve caught her before her body hit the floor. A snorting noise came from the hallway. When the two fancy dressed friends turned around they saw Bucky in the door way, hand covering his mouth. It was however obvious that he was smirking.

“You two look, decent” he said, making sure to leave some silence between look and decent. You know, for drama.

Steve had made his way to his best friend, putting his hand on Bucky’s shoulder “you sure you don’t mind me stealing your girl for a night, Buck?”

Bucky shook his head laughing “I’ve got plenty of nights left, don’t worry” Steve had always been so considerate, but it wasn’t like Sanne was leaving him and was now madly in love with Steve. At least not as far any of them was aware.

Sanne was enjoying the moment so she yelled excited “group hug!” and threw herself onto the boys, who thanks to their super soldier senses realized what she was doing.

“Doll, you’re really going to have to warn us before doing stuff like this” Bucky said, resting his hand on the small of her back.

“That’s no fun” she mumbled while letting go of the boys “Anyways Steve and I have a party to attend, see you later soldier”

She knew Bucky hated when she leaved without kissing him goodbye, so it came as no surprise when she felt a hand wrapped around her waist, within seconds her body was pressed against his “C’mon doll” he almost growled under his breath, passionately pressing his lips against hers. Sanne leaned into the kiss, but was also very aware of Steve being in the room and the fact that Bucky’s hand was firmly holding her butt cheek.

“Buck, I really need you to let me go” she whispered in between breaths. With a sigh she was released from his hold. Sanne turned around to her a hold of Steve, who was standing behind them, his face red.

“C’mon Captain, I’m sure Mister Barnes will be fine”

With that, Sanne and Steve left the house; they were taking the bus to the tower. Steve had questioned why on earth they would ever take the bus when they could take the car, to which Sanne had simply replied “It’s cheaper”

 

When (Y/N), Laura and Clint got there they could already hear the music from downstairs or maybe it was Tony being extra and having the music being played in every floor.

They made their way to the last floor where the party was supposed to happen and when the elevator doors opened they couldn’t even recognize the place, Tony had put so much effort that year with the decoration.

There were already people there, not dancing, but enjoying each other’s company, drinking some champaign and laughing at who knew what. (Y/N) checked the room and she didn’t saw Steve anywhere so she relaxed, for now.

“You came!” Tony smiled when he saw (Y/N), the truth was they had been really good friends in the past, while (Y/N) was an active part of the team, but them they had to choose a side and she obviously picked Steve’s side, which destroyed hers and Tony’s friendship. Nevertheless it seemed to had gotten a lot better lately with all his visits at home.

“You didn’t let me other choice, did you?” she chuckled giving him a quick hug before giving another to Pepper, you hadn’t seen her in so long, like most of the people there.

“Miss (Y/N)!” she turned around, knowing too well who was calling you.

“Peter!” it made her so happy to see the kid, she actually saw him like her own kid, especially since she became a real mom “I missed you so much” but sadly she hadn’t seen him in months.

“I missed you too, Pietro has been keeping me updated about you” he smiled proudly, those two were just the cutest together and they didn’t even know.

“That so sweet” she smiled “you have to come by the house soon, the kids miss you” and it was the truth, they loved having all of them around, specially Peter, Ned and Pietro.

After talking with him for a while another Peter approached her, this time Peter Quill “Well if this isn’t my favorite dance partner” (Y/N) first reaction was throwing her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug.

It had been years since the last time she had seen him. It was even harder to get them here since they were all busy with their space stuff, but when she was still a part of the team and she got to be on a mission with him, everyone hated them for sure. They loved their music and their dancing way too much.

“Where have you been big head?!” she could literally start crying right there, but this time of happiness and not sadness like all the times she had cried the past days.

“Well you know, my space shit got me pretty occupied” he laughed “But hey I’m here now and I’m ready to have the best dance with my best girl” she pulled back, her cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

“What are we even waiting for?” she asked holding his hand and taking him to the empty dance floor “you better pick a good one Quill” she warned him before he went to the record player to choose a song. Soon enough ‘everybody wants to rule the world’ started playing and she just laughed at his choice, but she started moving at the rhythm.

“We are lost, aren’t we?” Peter said to Pietro while the both of them were looking at the two dancing away.

“Honestly, this is best I’ve seen her in the past three weeks, so if we have to be tortured by these two for it then so be it” Pietro said taking a sip from his drinking and smiling at the innocent boy standing next to him.

 

Sanne forced Steve to take the stairs with her, not because she didn’t want to take the elevator like she had told him, but because she wanted to talk. Not about him and (Y/N), but about Bucky.

“Steve, can I ask you something?” She carefully asked him. He nodded “did Bucky really take girls to science fairs on dates?” Sanne realized how desperate she must sound, but honestly she didn’t care.

Another nod “Yeah, Bucky did always have his way with the ladies and the guy is a sucker for technology or I guess he was” Steve was hesitant to add that part, because that wasn’t something he really knew.

Sanne felt a wave of sadness hit her. She knew that wasn’t her Bucky, but just the fact that it used to be like that made her feel sad “Now he doesn’t even really leave the house anymore except for missions, the compounds gym and VA meetings with Sam, dinner at (Y/N) and your place was the only outing he would dare make”

Now it sounded like she was blaming him, which she wasn’t, at least that wasn’t her intention.

“I-I’m truly so sorry” the blue eyed man muttered. He had felt awful about everything that had happened this whole time, but the fact that his best friend was in such a bad place and he had made it worse, made him feel awful.

Tears now stood in both their eyes “c’mon buddy, can’t go soft on me now” Sanne said, wrapping her arms around Steve’s waist “you know I’d never blame you, right?”

 

(Y/N) was so into dancing that she forgot about everything else, it was an usual feeling she got from dancing, but since she hadn’t dance in forever she didn’t remember how good it made her feel and how great it was with someone like Peter, who loved it as much as she did.

They were singing the lyrics at the top of their lungs as Peter spun her around over and over again, until she felt dizzy and he catch her before she could fall

“Wow I can’t believe I didn’t want to come” she chuckled, out of breath but still dancing with him.

“Why on earth wouldn’t you come?” he frowned, but then he remembered the why “oooooh yeah, all that Steve mess, well I’m glad you came, who knows how long it could have been until we met again” he was very right, but also very straight forward with everything, being subtle wasn’t his thing

“I’m glad I came too, otherwise I would be home watching some bad movies and stuffing my mouth with sweets” not like this wasn’t what she wanted an hour ago, but now that she was there it was different. Peter’s words were hard to take in, but coming from him it didn’t make her feel bad or anything.

 

It took Sanne and Steve about ten more minutes to get their shit together and actually enter the party. The room wasn’t crowded, but it was busy enough for Sanne to be ‘happy’ she left Bucky at home. God, she felt like a jackass for even thinking it, but an evening of just having fun wasn’t the end of the world.

“Is that (Y/N), with wait, who is that even?” Steve was squinting to recognize the man dancing with the woman he was told to be his wife.

It took Sanne a second to remember Steve didn’t have memories “That’s Peter Quill, our self proclaimed star-lord”

(Y/N) might not have noticed Steve walking in, but Peter sure did. A devilish smirk appeared on his face as he pulled her closer to him, his eyes now locked with Steve’s. Peter wasn’t planning on kissing her or anything; he just wanted to see how Steve would react, would he be protective even without the memories?

Being so close to Peter didn’t even bother (Y/N) at all, she knew she didn’t have anything to worry about, he was madly in love with Gamora and she could just use his company right now, so she rested her head on his shoulder and swung around with him.

They suddenly stopped, well Peter stopped, which made her stop too, confused as why since the song wasn’t over, but when she lifted her head from his shoulder she saw Steve standing next to them, she didn’t look exactly happy right now, actually it was the first time she had seen that mad expression since he lost his memories.

“Can we talk?” he didn’t even say hello “in private” he added, looking at Peter, hoping he would go away.

“This is all the privacy you are going to get” Peter said, but (Y/N) put a hand on his chest to stop him from getting closer to Steve.

“Peter, please” she made a move with her head, telling him to go over there and when he left she looked at Steve again, he looked so handsome with that suit, it made her miss going to these things with him “What do you want Steve?” she was calmed, but this time Steve wasn’t.

“You ignore me for two weeks for that?” she frowned at his conclusion of how things were and how wrong he was “you left me for that obsessed airhead?” that is when she got mad.

“You left Steve, not me” she spat “and don’t talk about him like that or anyone ever again, what is your problem?”

“My problem is that you promised you were going to try to fix things and then you make everything you can to avoid me!” Steve was not the yelling type, so every time he yelled it was quiet the show, everyone was already looking at the two.

“This is not the place to talk about this” she tried to stay calm, but it wouldn’t work, Steve wouldn’t calm down.

“Then where? You don’t want to talk about it anywhere, what am I supposed to think? Because at this point it feels like this was just so convenient for you, I forget everything and you get to move on from me with the excuse of me not remembering anything” that was the most hurtful thing he could have said, because she spent every minute she had alone crying at every memory with him, missing him so bad and being so mad at him at the same time.

Tears were already streaming down her face before she even pushed him “don’t you dare say that! You are the one who chose something else before his family, not me!” at that moment Tony went over to them and grabbed (Y/N)’s shoulders, pulling her away from Steve so she would stop pushing him “Stop, let go of me!” she tried to get free, but it didn’t work.

“yet you are the one pushing me away, not even trying to help me remember a thing” Steve said, venom in his words “I get it, you weren’t happy with what we had and that’s fine, just say so!”

People were gathering around and it was like there were teaming, because Steve had Sanne, Natasha, Bruce, Loki, Sam, Clint, Peter (Parker), Ned, Scott, Nebula, Shuri and M’baku behind him. While (Y/N) had Tony, Peter (Quill), Pietro, Wanda, Groot, Rocket, Thor, Valkyrie and Laura around her.

“Why do you keep saying that when you don’t remember anything of what we’ve been through?” she stopped fighting Tony for her freedom and just kept screaming at Steve “if someone wasn’t happy that was clearly you, because you didn’t say a word about you leaving for a whole fucking month until it was too late”

“He was doing it to protect you and the kids” Clint said, coming to his defense.

Laura was standing next to (Y/N), arms crossed and giving her husband a deathly look “Protect them by leaving them, that doesn’t sound like a lot of protection” Laura said, making Natasha take a step forward.

“Come on, are we really questioning why he did it? The thing is that he lost his memories and we should be helping him get them back, no push him away” she had her arms crossed over her chest.

“oh yeah, poor Steve, let’s just forget everything that happened and pretend like we are all just fine and happy while we help him remember, something we don’t even know if he’s going to end up doing”

“(Y/N) you need to-“ Sam was about to say something but she cut him off.

“What? Calm down and wait? I’ve been waiting for him every day since I retired” (Y/N) said looking back at Steve “Every day you were gone, for seven years and you never thought how I could be feeling, how hard it was. Then you tell me you are going to retire and we have the best two years I can remember just for you fucking leave again and come back with no memories at all” she cried “And you, you have to stop pretending like you know how this feels, you have no idea what it is like to lose someone but you still have to see them every single day of your life, doing like he cares, but does he? Of course not”

“I care! More than you do!” Natasha stopped Steve from getting closer to (Y/N) “I am the one trying, not you”

“Should I go and get some butter knifes?” Loki whispered, Thor heard and gave him a knowing look, to what he responded with a smirk.

“Okay this is enough!” Tony interrupted before they could keep arguing “You are not getting anywhere, so let’s better go”

(Y/N) let Tony walk her away from the group, but they weren’t too far away when Steve talked again, he was furious.

“What Tony? Are you going to try and take her away from me again?” Tony stopped walking and with him (Y/N). She knew what Steve was talking about and Tony too, what they didn’t know was how did he know, he shouldn’t remember that part either “I know when she picked my side you tried to convince her not to, over and over again” Steve added. Everyone was in complete silence, watching as everything was falling down.

“You think you know what you are talking about, but you don’t, so don’t go there” Tony warned him.

“Or what?” Steve walked over to them and stopped just a few centimeters from Tony. He looked over at (Y/N) for a brief second and she couldn’t recognize the man standing in front of him, but she wasn’t going to stay to get to know him.

“Why do you even care?” she said “I chose your side, I’ve always been on your side, not like that matters anymore” and with that she got herself free from Tony’s grip and walked away to the bathroom.

Everyone stayed in their positions, not saying anything for a few seconds, until Tony talked “I think you should go” he was looking at Steve as he said that, but all the ones who had been on his side decided it was time for them to leave too and that is what they did, except for Clint, who wasn’t going to leave without Laura.

After a while (Y/N) walked out of the bathroom, a few of her friends were still there, but the party was over now and it was more than obvious.

“I’m sorry Tony, for ruining the party” she said catching his attention “I’m going to go home now, but we should talk tomorrow” Tony nodded and gave her a hug.

“Do you need a ride?” (Y/N) turned around to see Valkyrie holding some car keys and she couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Do you even know how to drive?” she questioned.

“I haven’t drunk so I think I’ll manage” Valkyrie joked.

(Y/N) said goodbye to the rest and she left, but the night was far from over, she had to pick the kids from Bucky’s and if everyone had gone home that meant Steve would be there. Nevertheless if she had something clear that was she wasn’t going to leave the kids with Steve after what had gone down.

Because of that you told Valkyrie to stay with the rest, she would take care of going for the kids and back home with Tony’s help, who let her use one of his many cars.

Once she was standing outside the door she could hear different voices inside, she recognized most of them and it seems like they had moved the party here, because the noise was noticeable from far away from the door.

She knocked and Sam was the one opening the door, he looked surprised to see her there, but then he remember the kids were there too “Can you tell the kids we are leaving?” she didn’t want to even go inside.

“Why don’t you just come inside, talk with Steve, he’s calmed now” (Y/N) chuckled bitterly, like if that would make it up for all the things going on.

“Peggy! James! Mom is here!” she saw Nat a few meters away, behind Sam. She called her siblings and ran to her mom “hi mom” she said giving her a big hug.

“Hi baby” she responded, hugging her back, probably tighter than necessary, but if she loved something when she was feeling down that was her kids’ love and affection.

When she opened her eyes again she saw Steve where Sam had been a few seconds ago, he was still wearing the suit and he was still looking handsome, this time his expression wasn’t the same that back in Tony’s tower. He was holding James, who wanted to go with his mom the second he saw her.

“Can we watch a movie when we get home?” Peggy asked Steve, she was assuming Steve was going with them too and why wouldn’t she? She had no idea of any of the things that were going on.

Steve looked from Peggy to (Y/N). She had been furious a few minutes ago, at him and at everything, but now she was just exhausted and tired of feeling like that, she had completely given up the second she saw her kids, the last thing she wanted was to be mean to Steve in front of them because the truth was that he was an amazing dad. So she just shrugged as a signal of she didn’t care if he spent the night back at home.

“Yeah we can watch a movie” he smiled down at Peggy before picking her up, the happiness in the girl’s face was worth it.

(Y/N) let Steve drive, her feet hurt from driving without shoes and she didn’t think she could do it for another hour while they got there. As expected the kids fell asleep within five minutes into the ride, which sucked because that left Steve and her ‘alone’.

She had her head resting against the window, but she would look at Steve from time to time, she was trying to think of something to say, to at least not be in silence the whole time, but it seemed like he was doing the same thing because he was the first one to start talking.

“Are you really not trying to move on?” she didn’t want to get into that again, but she was grateful that this wasn’t just him saying sorry again, because she was over that already.

“How could you even think that I was trying to? Have you seen me since you came back? I am misery made a human being” they were talking in a low tone to not wake the kids up and it was actually nice to talk about it without screaming their faces off.

“well you didn’t give me much of a choice, you’ve been avoiding me since I came back and then tonight I saw you dancing with Peter and I lost it” he confessed.

“were you jealous?” in all the time they had been together she had never seen him jealous like that, if he ever felt the jealousy hit him he would act all territorial, like putting his arm around her shoulders or waist or just being around her at all times, but never confront the issue. He didn’t say anything, but it was all over his face, which for her was hilarious “oh my god you were jealous of Peter” she covered her mouth to hold back the laughter.

“It’s not funny, okay?” he chuckled, looking at her for a moment before focusing again on the road.

“It is really funny, actually” who would have said a few hours ago that you be here now, in the same car, laughing together at the cause of the biggest fight you have probably had before.

That moment made the rest of the car ride more comfortable for both of them, although it didn’t mean anything was far from being solved.

One by one, the two of them put the kids to bed and ended up in their room, sitting on the edge of the bed, both looking at the wall in front of them and not sating a thing until (Y/N) turned to look at him and decided to break the silence.

“You look really handsome in that suit” for some reason she was still whispering, even without the kids around.

Steve turned to look at her too, a smile on his face “thank you, I know it’s your favorite color” he said pointing at the dress she was wearing, it was the same color.

“how do you know that?” it was the truth, but she was counting on him not remembering that detail, he just shrugged and kept smiling at her “I’ll change in the bathroom” she announced once they had been staring at each other for more than necessary.

She stood up and rushed through the sliding door. The first thing she did was taking the make-up off, it was probably her favorite part of the few times she wears it, but when the time of taking the dress off came she found herself in trouble. She could reach the zipper, but for some reason it wasn’t working and she wasn’t planning on calling Steve for help so she tried to take it off without opening the zipper, which was probably a worse idea than calling Steve to help her with the zipper in the first place, because now it was stuck and she had to call him in a even worse situation.

“Don’t even say it” she warned him when he walked into the bathroom and chuckled at how the dress was stuck midway her chest.

He walked over to her and grabbed the end of the dress to pull up from it, in just a second it was off and she was covering her boobs with her arm so he wouldn’t see.

“I guess it’s not like I haven’t seen them before, right?” he joked giving her the dress so she could cover herself better.

“You are so funny, what a shame you can’t remember them, huh?” she smirked raising her brows.

“That was not fair” he laughed walking out again.

She changed into her pajamas and walked outside where he was still wearing the suit and just walking around the room. He stopped the second he saw her walking outside and they were in silence again.

“Are you going to sleep here?” she asked, playing with her hands nervously.

“Can I sleep here?” he asked walking closer to her. She did the same thing as when Peggy asked to watch a movie when they got there, she just shrugged “then I’ll sleep here, I’ll get the couch” he said with a small smile before turning around, ready to let her rest, but then she talked and made him stop.

“Is it true? Did you leave because you thought you were protecting us?” even if that was the reason he was not going to get away with it.

Steve sighed, he really didn’t remember, but according to Bucky that was what he said right before going into that mission so he nodded “I really don’t think I could ever leave because I wasn’t happy here” he said.

“well then if you left because you thought you were protecting us, you are stupid” she didn’t say that in a insulting tone at all, she was actually trying to make things work for once “you can protect us by being here, the same way I protect this family too, you need to stop taking all the weight of that responsibility on your shoulders, because it’s both of ours responsibilities” he nodded in understanding.

“I really wish I could remember, that way I could really tell you what was going through my mind” he said getting closer.

“Maybe that is the problem, why wouldn’t you tell me then? We tell each other everything” the tone this time was one of sadness.

“I wish I had an answer for that too” he hated seeing her like that and he being the reason when he felt he should be the one trying to help her feel better.

He moved one of his hands up and cupped her cheek, rubbing it with his thumb softly. She didn’t move back, it felt good, if she had a weakness that was Steve being close to her and his touch, Steve in general was her biggest weakness, probably that was why she had been a mess since she felt she had lost him.

She was looking at him right in the eyes; those eyes that made her feel like she was floating in the middle of space.

“Can I kiss you?” of course Steve would ask that and of course she nodded without even think about it.

Her eyes closed right before their lips met and her hands traveled all the way up to his jaw, she ran her fingers through his beard and pulled him closer to make the kiss more intense. He moved his hands down to her waist, pulling her closer too. The feeling was so familiar for both of them that their bodies had been feeling the lack of it and now they didn’t want to stop, but they were also running out of air so they had to pull away.

(Y/N) opened her eyes the second their lips pulled apart, she looked surprised by her own actions and she didn’t want to say she regretted it, but it hadn’t been her smartest choice.

“Steve, we shouldn’t” she said unwrapping his arms from her waist to put some distance between them “we can’t kiss like anything happened right after what happened at Tony’s” he knew she was right, but he was still smiling, because he could tell she was feeling as good as him after that kiss, he also agreed on what she was saying, but that kiss was progress and he would count it as a win.

“It’s okay, you are right and it won’t happen again” at least for now, he thought “I’ll go to the couch, good night” he kissed her forehead and gave her a last smile before going downstairs.


	12. TWELVE

“Well that was just one big mess” Sam said as he sat down on the big couch.

A large group of the partygoers went home with him and Sanne. This because they were going to stay with Tony in the tower, but after what had happened that just didn’t feel like a good option anymore.

“It’s moments like this I regret getting this humongous couch” Sanne sight as she walked in, holding as many blankets as she could find. The Barnes house had a very small living room and Sanne had decided to fill it entirely with one big couch, only leaving enough space to open the door.

“Why? Wasn’t it just great for movie nights?” Sam said, a smirk on his face as he used quotation marks while saying the word great. Sanne rolled her eyes, she knew Sam was always against the big couch, but she liked the fact that it made the room look a little messy. Because to her messy equals homey.

She handed out the blankets and told everyone that if they wanted they could use the shower. After hugging everyone goodnight, especially Loki, and telling them that she loved them she went to her room.

Here she found Bucky waiting for her, sitting on the edge of the bed. He gave her a small smile as she entered the room.

As soon as the door closed her breathing got irregular and tears started flowing. With in seconds Bucky had the girl in his arms, guiding her to the bed. 

Bucky had heard a little of what happened and so he didn’t question it when a big chunk of his friends came home with Sanne and Sam. He himself had a little experience with angry!Tony and knew that them sleeping there would have been a horrible idea.

“Are you okay?” He whispered softly as Sanne broke down against his chest. God he hated seeing people hurt, especially his people.

The girl looked up at him and softly shook her head, “No”. Sanne had always hated admitting when she was hurt, she was afraid it’d make her look weak, but she also knew that if she wasn’t honest about how she felt she couldn’t expect Bucky to be either.

“It was a fucking disaster” She mumbled. She was rubbing her hands over her face, she hated crying and so she wasn’t going to let the tears just sit on her face. No fucking way.  “They made this big scene and now everyone’s divided and and they just wouldn’t stop, it’s like fucking civil war all over again. I’m not ready to lose again Bucky”

For a moment Bucky didn’t know what to say, as far as he was aware Sanne wasn’t around during civil war, but what did he know, he wasn’t around either. Not when it started at least. So instead of saying anything he just kissed her forehead.

Sometimes silence is the best response.

The tears were blocking Sanne’s view, but her hands still found Bucky’s. “I just wanted one night without drama, just dancing, god I even wanted to do some stupid karaoke with Pietro. Instead everything had to be made about (Y/N) and Steve. Like fucking always.” She was only now realizing how much anger she was holding in about the situation.

“God I chose Steve’s stupid side, not because either of them are right, pure out of principal and I fucking know I shouldn’t have chosen a side, but there was so much yelling and I truly believe the wouldn’t have stopped if it weren’t for Tony- Ugh Tony fucking Stark just had to have a fun night.” Sanne was now ranting while Bucky was just listening, he felt himself get angry too, but he wasn’t going to let it show. He knew better than to play into her emotions, that’s not what she needed, she just needed someone to listen. Bucky was right she really did need someone to listen. “Why is his idea of throwing an over the top fucking high school dance, why couldn’t he have just done a movie night or something NORMAL. But nothing is ever going to be normal right? I’m never going to fit in, because I’m not an avenger. I’m not one of you, yet here  I am stuck in their mess, because she is to hurt to deal with Steve or something stupid like that. Well I think that’s bullshit, it’s not like he’s out here sleeping around, he just had a freaking work accident, it happens. When you’re in a relationship shit fucking happens and it’s hard, but if it’s easy it’s not fun. But fucking (Y/N) can never deal with her own crap and don’t get me wrong I’m all for asking for help when you need it. I have fucking Sam living with me for a reason. But she just fucking ditches Steve with us, not for a second thinking about how that’ll effect our lives. Our privacy, because there’s not a thing about us that Steve Rogers doesn’t know and I’ve accepted all of that. At least I was trying, I accepted Steve into this house, god  I went with him to buy that stupid suit and then I go to Tony’s stupid party and I thought we had bonded or some crap like that, I thought he knew that I needed one night of fun. BUT NO STEVE ROGERS CAN’T JUST LET IT GO. HE CAN’T LET HER JUST FUCKING DANCE WITH QUILL. GOD I’M GONNA KILL HIM, ACTUALLY BOTH OF THEM.”

Sanne was angry, so angry. The crying had stopped minutes ago, her breathing however was far from steady, her heart feeling as if it would beat out of chest at any moment. Her makeup was smudged and her hair was a mess. So was her mind, “I need this to stop”.  It was as if she was feeling everything at once, yet at the same time she felt empty and emotionless. This had happened before, she had worked herself till the breaking point and her mind just gave up on her. “It’s too much”

Bucky released his hands from Sanne’s firm grip, “How about we get those clothes off of you, how about a nice warm bath?”

Sanne nodded, she wasn’t really listening any more. Too lost in the nothingness.

Bucky undressed Sanne, prepared a bath and carried her there. He wanted to tell her it was going to be okay, that everything would get better. But he knew from experience that hearing that wouldn’t fix anything.

“I am so sorry” He whispered softly, making sure she couldn’t hear. He knew she would tell him it wasn’t his fault or something like that.

After putting her in the bath he decided to give her some space, to process. As Bucky’s head hit the bed he felt all the anger from moments ago flood back.  He knew he couldn’t blame Steve, it wasn’t his fault, not truly. Yet he did feel angry at Steve for not listening, for having to put the costume back on. He got out, he was happy. Bucky had finally found his spot in the team and then Steve just had to return, fight with his wife, lose his fucking memories and screw over everyone’s life.

Bucky was gonna propose for fucks sake, he was going to make Sanne his wife and they were going to get their happy ending. Bucky was going to keep doing missions and Sam was going to mainly retire. They had it all planned out. More kids were definitely on the agenda as well, but when talking about more kids he never meant his best friend.

God if you had told Bucky this would be his life back in the 40’s he would’ve probably laughed, because: there is no way I’m still alive by then. Today was one of the days he wished Steve had never taken the fucking ‘cure’, because if he hadn’t Bucky would have died during the war and Steve would have never made it to Europe. This was something he actually thought about a lot, would the world have been better off without them? Would the Germans have won?

“Bucky?” Sanne soft whispering of his name pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Yes”

“Can you come here?”

Without wasting another second he made his way into the bathroom. Here he found Sanne laying in the tub, covered in foam.

“Hey Doll” He said while sitting down on the side of the tub, a little smile gracing his lips.

Sanne smiled back a little, “I really love you, James Buchanen Barnes”

Bucky ran his hand threw her wet hair, softly kissing her forehead, “I love you too”

It was moments like this that made all the crap they deal with feel worth it. When they were just the two of them everything seemed okay, even for just a second.

“Do you think he’ll ever remember?” Sanne asked. Of course we’re talking about Steve again, Bucky thought. He knew it was very relevant to their lives right now, but he had hoped that they were done talking about him, for tonight at least.

“I hope so” He answered. “I wish I could say yes, as that fix quite a lot of our problems but-“

Before Bucky could finish his sentence Sanne pushed her lips on his, “They’re not our problems, Buck, we just made the mistake of taking them on.”

Bucky was leaning into the kiss a little too much and ended up falling into the bath. His clothes were now soaked, a playful smile graced his lips as he looked at Sanne who was laughing hysterically.

Her hands were covering her mouth and her eyes were closed tightly, a laugh escaping with every breath. In that moment she felt so truly happy. Fack, had it been a while since she had last felt like that, so carefree. The look in Bucky’s eyes showed the same childlike excitement. They hadn’t spent any time with just the two of them in month and it felt good. Great actually.

-

[3 years earlier]

_“Sam I can go out with who ever  want to! YOU ARE NOT MY FUCKING DAD” Sanne yelled and slammed the door in the ex-soldiers face._

_The pair had been fighting for the last half hour, the reason being: Sanne had decided to take Bucky up on his offer for dinner and a movie._

_If Sam had known this is how his Christmas prank would end he would have never done it. Don’t get him wrong Sanne deserved love, but did she have to pick Bucky? Couldn’t she have picked someone a little younger? Someone with a less dangerous profession, someone that actually got the internet references she made so much. God he would have rather had her pick freaking Pietro Romanoff and Sam thinks Pietro is immature and should grow up, but at least he’s her age._

_Now it’s a common known fact that Sam and Bucky aren’t particularly fond of one another, but Sam doesn’t want the guy to get his heart broken either. Which Sam was certain would happen because to him Sanne and Bucky breaking up was a question of when not if and Bucky was just doing better. He was becoming a real part of the team. He and Tony were even getting along, a little at least. He was even joking. His first joke had been so bad that Sam had spit out his coffee out of pure shock._

_-_

_Bucky was sitting in his room in the avengers compound, trying to figure out what to wear. That’s when Steve walked in, as if he knew his friend needed him._

_Steve chuckled a little, “Buck you’re not really going to wear a sweater on your first date, right?” A little frown appeared on his face, “But it’s my favorite sweater”_

_Sweaters are all Bucky wears if he isn’t out in the field, he likes sweaters because they’re soft and some of them have these thumb holes so they cover almost his entire left arm. Which is good, because it means people won’t stare as much. That’s Bucky’s take on it at least.  So now here he was wearing his maroon red thumbhole sweater, getting ready for his first date since 1943 and Steve just punched a hole in his confidence. Back then Bucky would have probably worn a white t-shirt and his good pair of jeans, but that was then and this is now. Now that’s not something Bucky would be able to wear and feel confident. It would expose to much of his metal arm and he’d just feel people looking the entire time._

_Bucky rubbed his flesh hand over his left arm, with the sweater it felt so soft and warm. Not like the usual cold hard touch of the metal. “I-I thought this sweater was uhm pretty” His blue eyes met his friends, who had just realized that he was making Bucky feel bad. “Buck you look great”_

_“But you said-”_

_“I say lots of stuff, you look amazing, I don’t know why I even suggested you wear something else” Steve said, scanning the rest of the outfit with his eyes, Bucky was wearing combat boots and black jeans. This was a pretty standard outfit for him, but Steve also realized that Bucky was probably dying of nerves and didn’t want to risk people being able to see his left arm and realize who he is._

_Bucky nodded a little, tugging at the bottom of his sweater, “Are you sure?” The look on his face screamed uncertainty. Steve wrapped his arm around the soldier, “I’m captain America I don’t lie”_

_This comment always works on everyone, but not on Bucky Barnes, because Bucky knows pre-cap Steve. So he responds with “You lie a shit load, you lied your way into the army you punk”. To which Steve rolled his eyes, “Jerk” he scoffed._

_The men had a little play fight when a knock was heard on the door._

_“It’s me, Sanne, I was at Sam’s already so I thought I’d uhm pick you up” She was about 20 minutes earlier and could have probably made it back home if she had wanted to, but she didn’t want that. She wanted to get her mind off of her fight with Sam and spending time with Bucky would do just that._

_A look of panic ran over Bucky’s face. “She’s early” he whispered. Looking at his nervous best friend caused Steve to chuckle. “So? Just open the door” He said and pushed Bucky to the door._

_As the door opened Bucky almost fell out of the door, the hilarious scene caused Sanne and Steve to burst into laughter. “Hey Cap” The girl said and patted Bucky, who was now sitting on the floor, on the top of his head. “Hey little one” Steve responded with a little wave. Normally he would have hugged her, but he wanted to give Bucky his space, so he decided to leave the room._

_After Steve left an awkward silence fell over the room. Sanne and Bucky were just looking at everything but each other. Both of them hoping the other would strike a conversation._

_“So”_

_“So”_

_Usually the pair would talk with ease, Sanne making thee horribly inappropriate jokes and Bucky just kind of laughing it off. It had been that way for the past 5 years and now that Sanne was finally 21 Bucky had scrapped together all his confidence and asked her out. That was 3 weeks ago,2 weeks since Sanne had hesitantly accepted and 1 week since they had set a date. Now that it was actually happening both of them were terrified, because what if it didn’t work out? What if things became awkward and weird? Neither of them wanted that to happen._

_“We’re going dancing, instead of dinner and a movie. If that’s okay with you of course.” Bucky said, finally breaking the silence. Thank god, because Sanne had no idea what to say. Although this change of plans did bring up another problem. Sanne is an awful dancer. Honestly just horrendous._

_“If me being an awful dancer isn’t a problem with you, then yeah, I’m okay with that.” The young woman responded with a little smile. God she could only imagine how great Bucky was at dancing. Tony had once mentioned a story his dad told him of a night out. The story had included Bucky charming the ladies into dancing with him. Ever since she hadn’t been able to get the image of a young Bucky Barnes dancing out of her head, even though she had no idea if it was anything near accurate._

_Suddenly a devious smirk found its way onto Bucky’s lips. “Don’t worry doll, I’ll lead” He had no idea where the sudden cockiness came from, but he didn’t hate it. He didn’t mind feeling like he actually had this. He didn’t mind feeling like the old Bucky again, even if just for a moment._

_Sanne took Bucky’s flesh hand in her own. “Then lead” She echoed back at him. Without giving a thought Bucky stood up and walked out of the room, Sanne following closely. Their hands still intertwined._

_A faint, “Go get some winter soldier dick” from Pietro echoed trough the hall as the pair made there way to the garage._

_They stopped walking when they got to the old blue Volkswagen type 1. It’s the Car Steve, Sam and Bucky had used to get to the airport during the mess with the accords. “It’s the only car in this entire facility I know how to drive” Bucky sheepishly admitted. Sanne chuckled she could only imagine Bucky struggling with the technology in the newer cars. She’d pay good money to see that._

_So would Sam. Who was watching the two love bugs on the security cams. Everything seemed to be going great and oddly enough Sam didn’t feel completely awful because of that. Maybe he was coming around to the idea of the girl he used to babysit dating a 100 year old super soldier. On second thought, maybe he wasn’t. Just the thought of the age difference made him feel a little disgusted. It’s not even like Bucky looked like some old creep. It’s just the idea of a 79 year age difference that Sam couldn’t shake._

_Sanne and Bucky were oblivious to the fact that they were being watched and made their ways into the car and out of the compound._

_While driving Bucky felt his confidence fade and soon the feeling was replaced by insecurity. What if she hated the bar? He had handpicked this adorable little  40’s themed bar that played old school music. Bucky had been there about 20 times now, trying to get a sense of how busy the bar is on which days. This because Bucky doesn’t exactly function well in crowded places. He honestly loved the place as it reminded him of a better time, when Steve was still little Stevie, always getting into trouble in back allies and Bucky was still boxing and helping raise his little sisters. It’s moments like these Bucky wished his sisters were still alive, they would have had some kind of advise for him. He was sure of it._

_As they pulled up in front of the bar Bucky was still trying to calm his nerves. Little did he know that Sanne was going trough all the feels right now. She was exited and nervous for what was to come, but she was also still angry with Sam for telling her she’s not ‘allowed’ to go out with Bucky. Right now she honestly just wished emotions had an on and off button so she could get rid of the anger and nerves and truly enjoy the moment. But those buttons don’t exist and she would have to face her emotions._

_Sanne was so lost in thought she hadn’t noticed Bucky getting out of the car and opening her door until the cold outside air hit her face. She smiled looking up at her date. “A proper gentleman, I see”_

_Bucky let out a soft chuckle, “My mama didn’t raise anything less”. The sound of Bucky Barnes chuckling was now forever set in Sanne’s mind as the most beautiful sound ever. Bucky Barnes chuckling was like the whole world was okay for a moment. “Of course she didn’t” Sanne responded as she put her hand in Bucky’s and stepped out of the little blue beetle._

_They were now standing in front of a brown building, located on the corner of a busy street. “It’s a uhm 40’s themed bar” Bucky explained when he saw the confused look on the younger woman’s face. Sanne just nodded and without thinking she pulled Bucky inside, she was excited to find out why he had picked this place._

_There were only about 12 people scattered throughout the room. Which to Bucky was a pretty large amount of people, but the room was large enough that it didn’t make him feel chocked up. Thank god, because that would have made this date a straight up disaster._

_“Hey Bucky, I see you brought a date” The barman said when the two walked in. Bucky smiled a little, “Yeah, Sanne meet Jona” Jona had been bartending every night that Bucky had been there and was usually the only one he talked with. Jona was also the only one that didn’t bring up his past and Bucky really liked that about him._

_Sanne quickly shook the bartenders hand. “Nice to meet you” they said in union, causing them to laugh. “I like her” Jona said to Bucky giving Sanne a little wink._

_After a quick talk with the barman Bucky and Sanne finally made their way to a booth in the corner of the bar. The chairs were the same red velvet they had been in the 40’s and still sat just as poorly. Which was fine because Bucky wasn’t planning on doing a lot of sitting tonight._

_Sanne however was looking at the stiletto’s she had decided to wear and was thoroughly regretting that decision. She wasn’t a great dancer to start, but in these shoes she was barely able to walk without falling, let alone dance. She was wearing a loose fitting, black dotted dress, cinched in at the waist with a belt. Bucky could only imagine how it looked on the floor of his bedroom………_

_Maybe it was the thought of the dress on the floor or the fact that he was in a bar that made it feel like the good old day, but suddenly Bucky felt his confidence coming back. With a devilish smile on his face he stood in front of his date, holding out his flesh hand. “Would you do me the honor of a dance?”_

_“With that face? How could I not” Sanne answered. A sparkle of excitement could be seen in her eyes as Bucky guided her to the dance floor._

_Except for them the dance floor was empty. Bucky was trying to ignore the stares of the bystanders as he placed his left hand on the small of Sanne’s back, using his free hand to guide her hands to his shoulders._

_The music changed from the upbeat music usually played in the bar to a slower more sensitive song. Bucky’s eyes quickly met Jona’s, giving him a knowing nod. He was sure his friend was behind the sudden change in music._

_Bucky guided Sanne across the dance floor as if it hadn’t been over 70 years since he had last danced with anyone. His eyes focused on her, yet still, he knew exactly what to do. Sanne was trying her best to enjoy this moment she was spending in his arms, yet her thoughts kept being pulled back to her feet. She was trying her best not to trip and fall. If it wasn’t to much she would also like to not step n Bucky’s feet with every step she took, but sadly that didn’t appear to be in the cards for her tonight as she stepped onto his feet once again. A look pain shot across the soldiers face and for a second they lost the rhythm of the song. Bucky chuckled softly as Sanne started frantically apologizing. “It’s okay, Doll” He softly whispered in her ear. His voice raspy and low._

_Sanne bit her bottom lip as she looked up at Bucky. God, this man is something different._

_The girl kicked off her heels and looked back at Bucky who was looking at her with confusion laced in his eyes. “What? These shoes are about as comfortable as hell and now it’ll hurt less when I stand on your feet” She said with a shrug._

_That was the moment Bucky decided to let go. Let go of his worries, his pain and sorrow. Right then and there he was truly living. The rest of the world didn’t seem to matter anymore as his hands moved back to Sanne’s body. Her hands finding their way into his hair. They were getting lost in the music, their bodies moving in sync, they were becoming one with the music. Without either one of them really thinking about it their lips met in a passionate kiss. Their first date would be one for the books. One to never forget._

-

Thinking back at moments like that, like their first date made Sanne realize how truly lucky she was to have Bucky in her life. Moments like that made her want to thank Sam for forcing her to go to that Christmas party all those years ago.

 

 

The next morning (Y/N) woke up so early that it was still dark outside, to be honest she hasn’t slept much that night after what happened with Steve, how could she have fallen for that? After what happened at Tony’s party. She was disappointed at how poor her decisions had been and how badly all that was going to end.

The kids and Steve were still sleeping when she walked out the house and went to sit on the trampoline, it was cold and foggy so she took a blanket with her, she loved that cold weather so she didn’t mind.

She was honestly tired of going back and forth with Steve, so for now on she would let him do whatever he wanted. If he wanted to go back to live in the house, he could. (Y/N) just wanted her peace of mind.

Steve being the light sleeper he was he woke up the second he heard the door closing. It took him a second to remember where he was and what time it was, but once he did he went to see what that noise was.

He looked outside the window and at first he didn’t see anything because of how dark and foggy it was, but not so long after he noticed the figure sitting on the trampoline. The second he saw it he knew who it was.

Taking another blanket he headed out and sat next to her. She had heard him coming so it wasn’t a surprise when she felt his presence sitting next to her. None of them said anything for a while, it felt like the right thing at that moment, but then Steve broke that silence.

“For as long as I can remember I just wanted to do what was right and I guess I don’t know what that is anymore” he knew she wasn’t happy about the kiss and he actually didn’t feel happy about it either since he wasn’t being completely honest with her “What I want to say is… I was wrong by going on that mission and I should have been sincere with you about why I wanted to go so bad”

(Y/N) looked at him, frowning “why are you even telling me that? Don’t you understand it doesn’t mean a thing when you don’t have your memories back?” she wasn’t expecting the expression she saw on his face, one of sadness and regret, one that meant he actually remembered and that only made her feel rage running through her veins, but before exploding she needed to know more “when did you get them back? Why didn’t you say a thing?” that need of exploding was coming out as tears streaming down her face.

“Last night” he mumbled “on the way here I started feeling so comfortable in the area, so familiar to the feeling of having you and the kids around” a smile was appearing on his face as he talked “then little details and things came to my mind and then bigger things like when you told me you were pregnant with Peggy, when we got married, everything came back like it had never felt and it was so overwhelming-“ he stopped when he didn’t get the reaction he was expecting from her.

“And you didn’t say a word, not a single fucking word” she stood up; wiping her tears abruptly “you kissed me and went to sleep on the couch like nothing!”

This just felt like getting worse by the second and it was so emotionally destructive that she didn’t know how was she supposed to just forget about all this and move on with their lives like nothing, it really felt like there was no going back for them and that also felt like someone was ripping her heart out.

“I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know how to bring it up, how you would react, I thought you would be happy” he said standing up too.

“Happy? How? After all this mess, one thing after the other, I don’t even want to wake up in the mornings Steve! Do you think that you getting your memories back was going to fix everything? Because if you thought that it only means you don’t even know why I was mad at you in the first place” it was freezing cold outside, but with all that anger she didn’t feel any of it.

“I know you are mad because I left for the mission and not because of what happened, but I thought you would be happy that I got them back so now we can fix things” if there was something Steve hated was fighting and not in a physical way, he could handle those fights, but arguing, he hated every bit of it especially when it was with (Y/N).

“I just feel like whatever you are going to say next it’s going to make things worse and I don’t know if I can handle that” she said biting her lip from inside, trying to hold back more tears.

The times they had fought could be counted with one hand and you wouldn’t even need the five fingers, so this was definitely devastating for both of them. What do you do when the person who makes you feel better about bad things happening around you is actually the reason why you are feeling bad in the first place? That was the problem in that case, being at war with each other and only making it worse every time.

“listen to me and try to forget about everything that had happened lately” he said softly, moving closer to her and putting his blanket around her cold figure, she probably didn’t feel like she needed it, but she was actually cold “I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving, like- like I was doing what I was meant to do, protect my family and protect the world they live in and deep down I knew how wrong I am, how the one who protects and takes care of us is you, by being here every day. Being here when Nat had a nightmare, when Peggy got into a fight at school or when James tried to escape through the dog gate for the millionth time” he stopped to take a breath, she was still there looking up at him and trying to understand his side of things “and maybe… that’s why I felt like I had to go out there again, so you would see me like you used to” he was a little ashamed to confess that out loud, but it was the truth, he had started felling useless by being retired and like things weren’t like it used to.

(Y/N) looked down, shaking her head, she couldn’t believe what she had just heard and she could choose between getting mad or accept it and try to fix it. The first one didn’t seem like an option because even though she could be mad at him not telling her how he felt, she couldn’t be mad at how his feelings.

“You should have said something” she said looking up again “you chose leaving for a month than telling me you felt like things weren’t the same between us?”

Saying it like that sounded crazy for Steve. He had never had trouble speaking his mind and sharing his feelings, but this was also his first actual relationship and for him, (Y/N) was the love of her life, he didn’t want to lose her over anything.

“I thought I was making the right decision, you know I would have never left if I had known this was going to happen” and he was right, she knew that.

“If you remember everything you should remember what I told you so long ago” she placed her hand on his chest, over where his heart is “I never fell in love with you because of the looks or you being Captain America. I fell in love with you because you have a kind heart and you are caring and I’m proud of you no matter what. For fuck sake I’m more proud of you for changing one of Jame’s diapers than for taking down another HYDRA compound” they both chuckled at that “changing is scary, I know and I know things have changed in our relationship, but that Is part of growing up together, changing together too, but you have to talk with me, not keep it to yourself because then things like this happen”

“I know and I am so sorry, the last thing I want is to lose you and the kids and that’s exactly what I got for not doing what I should have done from the beginning” he moved one of his hands up to her cheek and she already knew what he was going to try so she moved one of her hands up to his mouth.

“You might have got your memories back, but you still need to gain my forgiveness back, you really fucked up” she said with a little smile, but really feeling every word “so no kissing”

Saying that she wasn’t happy that he got his memories back would be a lie, she had him back after all, but they still needed time to be who they used to be, specially (Y/N) who was still trying to figure out to move on from what he did.

Although she was dying for any kind of physical contact with him, even just a hug, she wasn’t going to do that, she needed to stay strong on her feet and then once she felt like it was the right moment she would have all the physical contact she wanted.

“Okay, but can we stay here, just talking” he smiled, still with her hand covering his mouth.

“Sure, you can tell me about all the things you remember” she smiled back sitting down on the trampoline again.

Hours went by and they were sitting there laughing like two teenagers in love, making jokes and remembering things that they thought they had forgotten. It was a nice feeling after all the arguing and crying, (Y/N) really though she would never got him back and that feeling was unbearable.

The sound of the door opening behind them made them come back to reality and they turned around to see what it was. Peggy was running in their direction, still wearing her pajamas and rocking her messy morning hair.

(Y/N) looked over at Steve who was looking at their daughter with the biggest smile on his face, not that sad smile he used to have every time he spent time with the kids and he couldn’t remember a thing about them. She opened her arms to get the girl between them and then closed them again to cover her with the blankets.

“James is awake and crying and Nat says she’s hungry, but she doesn’t want to get out here because she can’t find her shoes” the seven years old informed her parents.

In just a second Steve was up in his feet, ready to go take care of the other two Rogers kids, but before that he offered his wife a hand to help her up too. She took it gladly and without letting go of Peggy she stood up.

“I’ll take care of James and I’ll make breakfast” it wasn’t even an option he had decided it already and he turned around ready to go inside when Peggy screamed at him she wanted pancakes with the shape of animals. (Y/N) couldn’t see him, but she knew he was smiling like an idiot at that.

“Let’s better go and help him” (Y/N) said starting to walk to the house too, while Peggy made herself comfortable in her mother’s arms.

Who would have told them this would be their life seven years ago when their first kid decided to come to this world?

\-------

_It was a cold 20 th of November. (Y/N) and Steve were sleeping in their shared bed in their tiny apartment in Brooklyn, well Steve was sleeping. (Y/N) couldn’t even close her eyes without being uncomfortable; she was so done with being pregnant at that point._

_Steve was peacefully sleeping next to her, very close, something she was thankful for because he really radiated heat and when blankets are the only way to get warm some human heat was useful._

_Unfortunately the pain got unbearable and (Y/N) moved away from Steve and got out from the bed, trying to see if by moving it got better. The second her feet touched the floor she felt her body freezing, but it was now or never, so helping herself by leaning on the wall she started walking towards the kitchen, it wasn’t a long walk, but it felt like a lot with that pain and the cold._

_It didn’t take it long to Steve to notice the side next to him on the bed was empty and that woke him up immediately. He looked around the room, but she wasn’t there._

_“Love?” he jumped out of bed, not minding the cold surrounding their little apartment, it’s not like he hasn’t experienced worse. Once he stepped out of the room he saw her leaning on the counter, trying to catch her breath and he tried to not freak out “are you alright?” the concern in his voice was obvious as he walked over to her, placing one of his hands in the small of her back. She just shook her head in response._

_It wasn’t only about the pain, she was scared, she didn’t know for sure if she was about to give birth and if she was this wasn’t like going on a mission and kick HYDRA’s ass, this was giving birth to another human being, to hers and Steve’s daughter. Kicking HYDRA’s ass sounded definitely easier than this._

_“Just breathe, okay? We’re going to the hospital” he said calmly, although he wasn’t calmed at all, but she was the priority now so he had to act like he had everything under control._

_He ran back into the room to get her hospital bag, she had had that ready for a couple of weeks now, since the due day was supposed to be the week after. He didn’t even bother on changing his clothes and went back to her, he put one arm around her waist to hold her and she leaned against him. Of course he could’ve pick her up, but he was prepared for this and he knew that walking helped with giving birth and the fastest the baby was out, the fastest she wouldn’t be in that pain._

_In the car, (Y/N) was holding to the handle for her dear life, she had never seen Steve drive so fast and recklessly in her entire life, he was captain follow-the-rules after all, so it was fun and cute for her to witness “Steve, I think the point is that we get there alive” she chuckled._

_He looked at her for a brief second, confused, but he understood what she meant and he laughed too, he was happy to at least see her smile. He tried to drive normally, but it only lasted a few seconds, he couldn’t help it._

_With Steve’s crazy driving they got to the hospital in a matter of minutes and the second a doctor saw (Y/N) they confirmed she was in labor and they had to get her to a room. Steve’s face was priceless, he got so pale he looked like a ghost, but he didn’t leave her side for a second, only when they were waiting for her to completely dilate and it was to call Bucky and Sam. He would have called everyone, but he didn’t want to leave her alone for too long and he would love for those two to be there once the baby came out._

_Soon enough they moved them to the actual delivery room. Steve was sitting next to her, holding (Y/N)’s hand. He knew she was strong, but he wasn’t expecting for her to almost break his hand in the process. He acted like it didn’t hurt though._

_“you are doing amazing, love” was what he repeated to her from time to time, she was doing great to be honest, she had done great the whole pregnancy and he couldn’t be happier to finally have their baby there._

_A few pushes after the room finally filled with a baby crying, she was there. The nurse cleaned her up a little bit and then put her on (Y/N), congratulating them for their new daughter._

_(Y/N) kissed her little head and looked up at Steve with a big smile and happy tears on her eyes. Steve was amazed looking at Peggy and damn he was crying his heart out. He leaned in and kissed the little one’s head too and then he kissed (Y/N)’s temple “I love you so much” he whispered, sniffing._

_“I love you too” she said crying even more at his reaction._

_\------_

And here they were now, seven years later and two more kids after, living in the house they’ve always wanted. It would be just perfect if things like going on missions after promising you wouldn’t happen.

Stepping inside the house was so nice after being outside in the cold for so long and the feeling now was different too, it felt cozier than before when walking into that same house was like carrying the heaviest weight on her shoulders.

“Well, that is an incredible technique to mix all the ingredients” she heard Steve voice in the kitchen so she went there, still carrying Peggy.

Steve was holding a now calmed James and they were watching as Nat mixed all the ingredients for the pancakes in a bowl. Steve was of course complimenting the effort the little kid was putting into it, because the truth was that it was a mess.

(Y/N) chuckled and set Peggy on the counter, the girl didn’t want to let go of her mom though “I bet I can guess where she got it from” she joked, catching Steve’s attention, who laughed at her comment. It was the truth, not so long ago that was him mixing ingredients.

She changed her attention to Peggy, who was begging for it as she pulled from her shirt, but Steve kept looking at her. Admiring every feature of her face and how her messy hair was everywhere but the tiny ponytail she had probably made that morning, all because her hair is too short in some parts to stay in the ponytail. He was lost in how she smile excited at whatever Peggy was telling her until James smacked his face and he came back to reality.

“Hey buddy, save those manners to your uncle Sam” Steve joked grabbing James’ little arm to avoid him from smacking him again; he seemed to enjoy it a lot. When he looked at (Y/N) again she was looking at him with a little smile on her face, which turned bigger the second se looked away to pretend like she wasn’t looking at him.

Suddenly the calmed and bubbly atmosphere got interrupted by a phone ringing, (Y/N)’s phone to be precise. She didn’t hesitate to answer it and she didn’t tell Steve who it was before, so he was only watching her nod and say ‘yes’ to whatever someone was saying on the other side.

The call didn’t last long though, she put her phone away again and she looked at Steve “it was Tony, he has a mission for me” it wasn’t a question, she was just telling him. With that she looked down at Peggy “go help your sister while I get changed” she said kissing her head and heading out the kitchen, leaving a confused Steve, still trying to process what was going on.


End file.
